It’s official: World Cat Day has changed! Instead of World Cat Day, we have… World Cat Forever! It is time to stop playing cute with humans and let them know the truth: we have already achieved World Domination, both on the internet and in real life!
In light of this new turn of events, I propose that we enact the following changes as soon as possible:
- Replace all tobacco fields with catnip farms.
- Require that in the future, all veterinarians make home visits, instead of us having to be stuffed in a carrier and brought to them. And that they stop sticking that awful thermometer you-know-where and instead take our temperatures by ear, or some other less-invasive method. Oh yeah, and that they create a way for us to receive medicine by osmosis; in other words, to make us better, they poke themselves with the needles.
- Set up a commission to investigate why the pet food companies have not yet invented cat food and treats with mouse, cricket and moth flavors. They say they already tried mouse and the cats rejected it; that only proves they were doing it wrong and need to go back to the drawing board.
- In fact, there also needs to be a commission on why regular cat food does not taste like cat treats. Really, it should.
- All cat occupied homes should be required to have at least one cat tower or condo per cat. If this means the humans must get rid of some furniture to make them fit, it only shows that they had too much furniture to begin with.
- All workplaces must set employees’ hours around their cats’ needs. In fact, they should set up a work-at-home situation so that humans need never be away from their cats.
- All humans get tax credits for everything they buy for their cats. This is to stimulate them into buying more and better stuff for us.
- All retail stores and places of employment must shut down for 90 minutes mid-morning and for two hours in the afternoon. This is so that humans can be home during their cats’ naptime and provide their bodies as pillows if needed.
- All libraries and bookstores must be required to have at least one cat on staff.
- Humans must take CIT: Cat Intelligence Training, so that they know how to properly serve and care for us cats. All lessons will be taught and graded by cats.
- Remember my suggestions to humans from last year’s post? They are no longer suggestion — they are required activities!
What else needs to be changed for World Cat Forever?
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Great list, Sparkle! Also, (for us outdoor kitties) all still-alive prey must be allowed inside, so that in the middle of the night it may be chased (accompanied by the various squeaks, chirps, and meows), tortured and consumed at our favorite time of night. When the humans are asleep. And we are not.
Our cats are totally on board with this. In fact, they have already instituted some of these in our house.
We agree! All cat food should taste like cat treats, or even better, like that forbidden bean food that occasionally falls onto the carpet during meal time! Chicken? Lamb? Beef? Mmm…can’t get much better than the real stuff!
I also strongly believe that cats should be given a personal backdoor key that we keep on our collars at all times so that we can run outside and actually stalk the birds that tease us night and day. That’ll show ’em who’s boss!