I don’t know about the rest of you kitties, but I’m not a big fan of guests. They disrupt my schedule and always seem to linger when I’d prefer some privacy. Plus they tend to be noisy with all their chattering, making it hard to nap. Binga, on the other hand, loves visitors and every time some human walks in the door, she is anxious to play hostess, no matter how annoying the guest is. I think she is crazy.
If you are more like me, and you view guests with suspicion, if not out-and-out disdain, you will appreciate this list of the five different kinds of guests, and how to cope with them. Use my suggestions the next time your humans invite someone over without asking your permission.
1. The human who “hates cats”
Why is this person even showing up at your door? Your humans should have banned them from the premises long ago! It’s possible they are relatives, and your human is forced to accept them, but otherwise there is no reason for a hater to be inside your house. Humans who hate cats fall into two categories: those who just haven’t met the right cat, and vile examples of humanity. Either way, I suggest you dole out the same treatment: give them your undivided attention. Stare at them from afar. Stare at them up close. Rub up against them. Jump in their laps. Chew on their hair or clothing. Make biscuits on them. Purr in their ears. If they have just not met the right cat, they may be intrigued, and it’s always a good idea to create a new cat fan. If the human is just a vile cat hater, this treatment will drive them crazy and with any luck, they will cut short their visit.
2. The “allergic” human
I don’t trust allergic humans. Sometimes I think “allergic” is just an excuse for a human to dislike cats. That is why I suggest that allergic humans get the very same treatment that cat-hating humans do. Crawl all over them and leave as much cat fur on them as possible. If they are allergic, why are they at your house anyway? If your human wants to be friends with someone who is allergic, she should be hanging out with them at a coffee shop, or go to their house, not bring them to your happy kitty abode.
3. The human who “loves cats and they love her”
This one is even worse than a human who hates cats! These women (and they are almost always female) just assume that all cats love them, and they come barreling into your domain acting like Bast’s gift to felinedom. Do not go near this human under any circumstances. She will annoy you beyond belief with her silly baby-talk and invasive behavior. This type of human has no sense of personal space and will stalk you if you so much as peep into the room where she is hanging out. Even if it’s a beautiful day and your favorite sun puddle is in there, do not enter the room. You will never get a chance to enjoy your sun puddle anyway — she will be too busy trying to grab you and manhandle you. The best thing you can do when this human is around is hide under the bed until she is gone.
4. The human who is “indifferent” to cats
I like these humans. They leave you alone. You can walk right past them and flop down on the furniture and they won’t care. You can come and go as you please and they won’t even look twice. Except for the talking, they are practically invisible. How you treat an indifferent human depends on your human. If your human has been well behaved, you are free to ignore the indifferent guest or be friendly, as you please. If your human has been misbehaving — serving your dinner late, yelling at you for jumping on the counter, etc. — then you can use this visit to show your human who is boss in your house! Act out, knock a few things over, do sprints through the house and make a racket. See if you can get a rise out of the indifferent guest. That should make for an entertaining visit.
5. The “authentic cat person”
This type of human is more rare than you would imagine. They are smart enough not to make a big deal out of your presence. They respect you, so if you are not in the mood for company, they will not force themselves on you. Someone who is an authentic cat person won’t approach you unless you invite them to (and they are smart enough to know the signals). And they will be polite and ask your human what you enjoy, whether it is play or treats or anything else — but they won’t force any of this on you. They allow you to take the lead. I think these guests are awesome because they are perfectly happy admiring me from afar (just the way I like it), and they are just as comfortable letting Binga walk all over them. In a perfect world, all guests would be authentic cat people. But since the world is anything but perfect… you have the above tactics at your clawtips.
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We don’t like guests either unless they are the indifferent ones. Our one brother gets nervous but our tortie sister is front and center to meet and greet.
Eeeeeeeexcellent post! SUPERB in every way! It need to be taught to all kittens upon their weaning – and stuff.
Magic is the family bouncer – she evaluates the threat level of all visitors to her beloved human then if she likes then allows a short belly rub before she wanders off, otherwise she sits bang in the middle and stares at them willing them to leave. She recognises all 5 types.
Red has absolutely nothing to do with any visitor and I reckon he melts into the wallpaper only to reappear once the visitor is gone and the door is firmly shut.
Very true, Sparkle and an excellent analysis. Sadly, everyone ignores me completely in my house and that’s how I like it except when I don’t! 😉
We r so lame. Everytime you would leave a comment we would click your name to come visit but w just realized thou done live at blogger! So here we are.
Ollies method of intruders is the same as King Spitty. Scrappy is so *starved* for attention she is hsppy to drool on and talk to anyone. Miss jJack The Tuxe just sleeps. Myself? Well I msy deign to show up if there might be a treat bag but other than that I can’t be bothered.
Xoxo
Ms Stella O Houligan
We’re glad the humans don’t have people by very often.
Sparkle, Sparkle, Sparkle. Sparkle, Sparkle. Now you know I almost always worship the very ground you trod upon, and sit at your knee and drink in every meow of wisdom that falls from your furry lips….but–dare I really say this?–this time, this ONE time, you are wrong, wrong, wrong!
There is but ONE kind of guest–the UNWANTED kind, in other words, the INTRUDER. And there are but two ways of dealing with them: 1) The preferred method, hide under the bed until they leave; 2) the method when method (1) is not practical, such as when the INTRUDER seems to be showing signs of spending the night. This is an emergency. You must emerge from UTB and meow, loudly, persistently, frantically for them to leave. Loudly. Persistently. Until they are gone.
We totally agree with you Sparkle ; the sixth kind of guest for us is children : they can be a mix of #1 and #3, or a new kind of guest you could name “earthquake” depending their activities… Purrs
Waffles climbed on top of the guy-who-hates-cats’ head.
Score one for Waffles!
Sparkle, your advice is spot on! Sometimes its amazing how an “Allergic” person’s (the mom’s sister in law) allergies can disappear when they stay at a home (ours) rent free for 3 months. Money talks, allergies walk!
Mom rarely has guests but the few who do visit are animal lovers. She is very peculiar as to whom she will allow in the house just because she is concerned about our welfare–she will find out if a person likes or dislikes cats beforehand. No cat haters allowed!!! Mom is slightly allergic to cats but she would rather suffer than lose us and her brother is REALLY allergic but he comes over and loves on us until he can’t breathe and then goes home. He’s lots of fun and plays with us more than Mom does! Purrs. Serafina, Arya, Natasha Velvetpaws, Bean, Iggy, Teddy, and Useless
thankfully we don’t get many visitors. Your human handling tips are great, Sparkle. We tend to treat everybuddy like #3 😀
Pip, Smidgen, Minnie, HOllie
I, for one, am tired of all of the “allergic” people. I vacuum every. single. day. seriously. And they tell me they can’t come over because of the cat fur??? Okay. Don’t come over. Now we are all happy.
Awesome, Sparkle! We barely have any visitors but we definitely like those the best who let us approach them (if we want to) instead of them coming after us!
Great tips, Sparkle! We are laughing about #4 of acting out if your human has been misbehaving 😉
Yep, I think you summed it up purrfectly Sparkle!
Great advice as always. We don’t have many guests but when the door rings and its not Chinese food, I disappear into my office. Let the peeps handle it. Usually the few guests we have stay far too long or take the peeps out with them. TW was giggling over #3 so you know what kind of guest she’d be. She’s always bragging the shy kitties always come to her. Yeah, right.
Oh, this is the best. I can’t stop laughing….AND you speak the truth Sparkle! #3 and #4 always seem to be popular in our house!!!
Great advice! We purr-fer #4 or 5 too. Sparkle, we got your calendar! It’s fantastic!!! Thank you again!!!
I don’t like any visitors so I either go to the bedroom or out in the garden until they have gone.
We’re lucky that we tend to get mostly the last two but some of those others… Geesh! You’ve nailed them! Purrs…
LOL on #3. You Sparkle are a genius, but I’m sure you not only know that, but also hear about it a lot.
good tips! we are lucky that not many people come over to our house. but most of mom’s friends are cat-people so they wait for us to decide. our grandpa is a NOT cat person and we make sure to annoy him whenever possible MOL
I like to consider myself an authentic cat person. But I’m a cat, so I guess that’s a given. – Crepes.
Purrrfect advice! Thankfully visitors are very rare here. Just like we like it.
The publicist’s daddy DID NOT LIKE CATS. At all. So her mother’s cat, Hubert would jump on his chest when he was sleeping on the couch. That way when he woke up the first thing he saw was 25lbs of orange cat staring at him.
Bwahahahaha.
It was pretty funny.
Hubert lived to be 25 years old. He was the meanest cat the publicist ever knew. The only person he was nice to was her mother.
All of my husband’s relatives are ‘allergic’ to cats – which means they never come to visit – Yay! I hate people who are all “Where are your cats – I want to meet your cats” – Well they don’t want to meet you, so if they do show themselves – leave them alone! My favorite guests are dogs – they find a spot, and settle in for a nice nap.
As always, you’ve hit the nail right on the head! Fortunately, most of mom’s friends are authentic cat people. The ones that aren’t mostly don’t come to the house. She insists that visitors don’t approach us. They have to wait for us to come to them. The kitties that came before us trained mom really well about this. Now, if we could just get her friends to sneak us treats…….
Excellent advice Sparkle. Especially the cat haters. I love playing mind games with them by staring because I know they are worried and wondering what I’m plotting in my head.
Hugs Madi your bfff
Very true ! Arthur loves guests, he doesn’t care if they hate cats, love cats, or are allergic, he sticks to them.
Pookie only loves the once behaving like in n° 5. Kim hates all humans and disappears. Rosie is attracted to allergic people, causing them red eyes and running noses.
Sparkle, you nailed it! As always. We had one person who hates cats, a man, in the house a year ago. It was so odd to see. I went straight for him (well, I do that to everyone) and he was a picture of dislike and uncomfortable. Mom tried to make me come to her but no, I had to stay with him. He stood stiff as a poker.
We don’t like humans period except for our Person and one other Person. It just takes us awhile to figure out if they are dangerous or not. But great descriptions of guests. Take care.
I get a lot of #3 people coming to visit my house. Try pretending to sleep (or actually sleeping). It works for me!
Sparkle, we’re with you…we don’t like any human visitors either, but if we have to have them, we hope for #4 or #5.
We agree with the Florida Furkids and like No.5 human best too.
Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx
You nailed it, Sparkle! I personally don’t have a friend who would hate cats. No wait. I don’t have a friend who would tell me they hate cats. I do have a lot of friends who are “allergic” to cats. Right. I gush all over them with my sympathies and invite them NOT to come for a visit, “for their sake”.
I leave it up to the cats to keep me informed by relying on their penchant to always hover around a visitor who doesn’t like cats. They are added to my list.
We like human #5 too!!!
The Florida Furkids