Sparkle, I am traumatized! My human is doing this thing called “spring cleaning!” It involves lots of noise and fuss, and worse of all, she wiped off all my sleeping places! My scent is gone… how do I stop this madness?!
Clean Is Obscene
For all the perks — a never-ending supply of fresh food and cat toys, cushy sleeping spots and free massages — life with humans does have its downsides, and spring cleaning is one of them. Some kitties (including myself) are fortunate in that we have never been subjected to this type of mania, but it does not stop us from feeling bad for cats like you, with fanatically clean humans… or at least, humans who get a fanatically clean bug up their behinds once a year. In fact, the once-a-year cleaning humans are the worst because that means that months of furring up furniture and scent marking can be destroyed all at once! But the bad news does not stop there: so far, no cat has figured out how to put an end to this insane human behavior.
Here is our dilemma: we cats are fantastic at making a house a real home. We rub up against every vertical surface to let other cats know these items belong to us. We are excellent at covering sofas, chairs and anything else we sleep in or on with our gorgeous and decorative fur. The addition of thoughtfully-placed drool, a hacked-up hairball (or a few), scattered cat litter, and some tasteful claw marks complete the picture of a happy home. Humans, for some weird reason, see a spotless house, devoid of any scent or clue that it is lived in, as their ideal home. I don’t get their fascination with sterile surroundings at all, but they work like mad to bring their houses up to this unrealistic and unappealing standard. Anything we cats might try to do to stop it — knocking over the cleaning solution, batting sponges and rags under the sofa, throwing up on the vacuum cleaner — only causes them to redouble their efforts at cleaning. Humans are a stubborn bunch. Really, about the only thing you can do is go back and re-fur and remark absolutely everything the moment your human is done cleaning it. Yes, it is a lot of work (not to mention that it shouldn’t even be necessary in the first place), but what else are you going to do? Live a joyless, scent-free life? Yep, I thought not.
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