I know that there are obedience schools for dogs — is there anything like that for humans? ’Cause my human could totally benefit from something like that. She is very rude. She never shares her dinner with me, and if I am sitting in a spot on the sofa that she wants, she actually picks me up and moves me! And that is just for starters. She needs to be trained, and badly. Is there a place I can send her where she can learn to behave?
Yes, of course your human needs a trainer; in fact she has one: you! To look elsewhere for a human trainer is to shirk one of your most important duties: getting your human to behave properly. Every cat-human relationship is different and you cannot expect some other cat to fully grasp the dynamics in your household. Dogs are easy — teaching them commands like “sit,” “stay” and “heel” are very basic. Humans are more complex and take a lot more work. Getting yours to give you some of the chicken from her dinner plate, for example, requires you to analyze the situation and probably try several different tactics, from looking cute and patting her on the leg to out-and-out jumping on the table and taking what is rightfully yours. You won’t have any idea what works until you try, and no other kitty can do it for you. So if you want your human waking up on time to give you breakfast, giving you the prime spot on the couch, and to go out and buy you a cat tower or two, you are going to have to dig in and get your paws dirty (perhaps even literally!). Stop napping on the job and get your tail moving because no one is going to do this job but you.
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