Advice – September 2010

Dear Sparkle,
I am being driven insane by the human kitten! It was okay when he was just lying around in his crib or being held by the grown-up humans — I could go over and check him out. Usually he smelled pretty good, unless his wearable litter box was messy (what is it with humans? Can’t they housetrain their young?). But lately he has begun walking… and running! And more often than not I seem to be the focus of his attention. I don’t like this one bit. If I let him near me, he grabs my fur or pulls my tail and sometimes it kind of hurts. So I do the most logical thing — I run away. Fortunately, I am much faster and more agile than he is, so I escape pretty easily. But I am getting way more exercise than I am accustomed to, or want. Is there anything I can do to get this kid to cool his heels, at least when I’m around?
Signed,
Not a Toy!

Dear Not a Toy,
Oh no, it sounds like the human kitten has reached the most annoying age, at least for kitties: the toddler stage. This is where they are mobile and curious, but they just don’t understand very much. This means they get into a lot of trouble and they don’t know yet how to treat kitties and other living things. There really is not much you can do about the one you live with, except to avoid him unless the grown-up humans are very carefully supervising the both of you. That way, if he is too rough on you, you can scream for help and somebody will be right there to come to your aid. If the grown-up humans are distracted and not paying too much attention to the human kitten, you will have to rely on the fact that, as you mentioned, you are faster and more agile than he is. Jump on the highest surfaces you have available — hopefully your human has a cat tree for you. If not, you will have to make do with counters, mantles and the tops of entertainment centers. Or you can hide behind furniture, in places too small for the human kitten to reach. If he can’t get to you, chances are this will cause him to start crying in frustration, and if this happens, feel free to add your voice to the noise. It will get the grown-up humans’ attention even quicker and hopefully they will fetch the kid and you can have some peace.

Unfortunately, human kittens grow a lot more slowly than young cats, so this problem is bound to go on for much longer than you would like. But with any luck, the grown-up humans will train him to be nice to you, and eventually he will find other things to occupy his time besides bothering you. I imagine that at this point, you are probably a little annoyed that your humans brought this guy home to begin with, but don’t worry — if you live long enough, you will have the last laugh. When the kid becomes what is known as a “teenager,” he will make the adult humans’ lives as miserable as yours is right now.