Advice—July 2008

Dear Sparkle,
My human treats me in a cruel and INhuman manner! She gets up every morning, dumps some food in my dish and then leaves for the whole day — and sometimes for most of the evening too! The days when she is gone the longest are the worst, because when she gets back she is usually in a foul mood. Meanwhile, I am left alone with nothing to do and no cat toys, so I have to make up games from scratch. Unfortunately my human hates my games, even though she isn’t even around to see what I’m doing. For a while I was racing up the curtains — a great combination of muscle building and cardio, as you know. But when my human saw all the shreds and claw marks in the curtains, she started screaming and calling me a “bad kitty!” Then I thought it might be fun to dig the plants out of their pots — she has a bunch of them all over the house, so I figured this would keep me busy for a good, long time. And she hated that too. (She should be glad I didn’t use the planters as a litter box, but she’s actually pretty good at keeping mine clean and the dirt in the pots is, frankly, a little nasty.) I’m at my wit’s end. Either my human has to stay home and play with me more or stop getting mad at my attempts to entertain myself! How do I make her see the light?
Signed,
Going Insane

Dear Insane,
I see that a compromise is in order here. As much as you would like your human to change her schedule to revolve around you (which, of course, is every kitty’s dream), it’s not going to happen. Humans can be manipulated, but they can’t be controlled — that’s a distinction that every cat needs to come to terms with at some point in her life. If your human were smart (few are), she would realize that there are a load of ways to keep you entertained while she is out doing unpleasant things that make her come home grouchy (I told you humans weren’t very bright). She could put bird feeders outside a window where you can perch and watch. Or fill your home with the type of cat toys that suit your personality. Some cats like to chase things; others enjoy stalking. Considering your penchant for climbing curtains and digging in pots, I would recommend a cat tree at least 5 feet in height and one of those boxes that has holes in it, so you can reach in and try to grab the toys and treats inside. But it sounds like your human is far too clueless to even visit the cat toy section of the pet store next time she goes to buy your food and litter. And that’s where the compromise comes in. There have to be some things you can do around the house that won’t make her as mad as your current games do. Maybe you can bat some pens under the couch and play with them until they’re totally out of your reach. Or perhaps you can play hockey in the bathtub with the cap from a shampoo bottle. Can you race around the house without breaking anything that your human treasures too highly? I’m sure that you can come up with some creative solutions. All your ideas probably won’t be successful, but you’ll know what works and what doesn’t by your human’s reaction when she comes home. While it’s not your job to make your human happy (and never let her tell you any different), it’s always best to keep some semblance of peace in your home.