Advice—June 2008

Dear Sparkle,
I wasn’t going to write because this is so embarrassing, but I know my problem won’t disappear without help. See, a few weeks ago I had to go to the emergency vet because I was blocked up, uh, you-know-where. It was really awful — I was in pain and to make matters even worse, the docs stuck a catheter in me. Yuck. So that was really bad and it freaked out both me and my human. Now she has me eating this special “UTI” food the vet gave her. It tastes okay — unlike some other cats, I am not all that picky and will eat just about anything you put in my bowl. Once I got better, I thought I’d just get the new food and that would be the end of it, but not according to my human. It seems like every time I go to use the litter box now, she follows me and watches me. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be sitting in the litter box with a human squatting in front of you with this serious look on her face? Ick. I’m just glad she has that “work” thing that she goes off to most days, or I’d never get any privacy! Look, I know I was sick, but I’m better now and I wish she would just keep her eyes to herself! How do I get her off my back?
Signed,
Mortified

Dear Mortified,
Believe me, you are not alone — my human does the same thing on occasion to me and the other two cats here, and none of us has ever even had a UTI! Talk about being overly cautious. On top of that, all three of us are females, and less likely to have this condition than male cats. You don’t mention your gender, but I am assuming you are male, and that actually gives you a big advantage over us girl kitties. Even if you have been neutered (which I imagine is the case), you still probably have a skill that may come in handy just now: spraying. Normally, spraying is a nasty thing I would never recommend any cat doing. It’s one sure way to really create havoc in your relationship with your human. They really don’t understand why marking territory is so important. Personally, I think the human version of spraying — drawing up complicated contracts requiring weeks of something called “escrow” and notarized signatures — is pretty lame. Spraying is easier and more natural. Sure, it necessitates occasional screeching, battles and scratches to keep outsiders in line, but we cats are built for just such instances. I’m not suggesting that you mark your territory per se, however — your human and her silly contracts have already done that work for you. Here is the plan: next time your human follows you to the litter box, why don’t you just nonchalantly turn around and mark her? Now, if humans really understood us cats, they would be flattered to be marked, as it shows we want to possess them, and you know how humans live for the smallest scrap of affection we decide to toss their way. But I bet yours will just get all annoyed and immediately dash off to take a shower and wash her clothes. She’ll be thoroughly disgusted and maybe she will think twice before she tries to invade your personal space when you’re involved in such an intimate activity.