Advice—February 2008

Dear Sparkle,
I have a very musical voice and I use it often. Unfortunately my singing talents go unappreciated around here. The humans refer to my melodies as “caterwauling” — can you imagine! But I don’t let their negative attitudes get me down and I keep on vocalizing as often as I can. Right now, my preferred time for practice is late at night, after the humans have gone to bed, so I don’t have to hear them complain. The only problem is now they’ve gotten into a really bad habit — they get up and squirt me with a water bottle, right at the height of my arias! I thought I had them trained and I can’t believe their nerve. What would you do if you were in my paws?
Signed,
Diva

Dear Diva,
To be honest, this would not happen in my world because 1) although I have a nice voice, I don’t use it all that often; 2) when I do, my human comes running to see if there is something wrong with me; and 3) once she realizes I am okay, more often than not, she’ll pull out a twist tie or another toy and start playing with me. I have her very well trained in this area. So while it seems on the surface that the problem sits squarely on your humans, I have to suggest that perhaps you slipped up somewhere along the way in training them. After all, your wellbeing and happiness should come first, and clearly they do not understand that. They are only thinking of their own wellbeing and happiness, which apparently doesn’t include your after-hours vocal sessions. You probably have already figured out that humans do not have the best taste in music, so it is no surprise that they don’t get your style. But you are persevering with your practice nevertheless, and for that I commend you. Real cats will never let anyone else’s opinion influence their behavior or their self-expression.

You can get your humans to stop with the annoying water bottle, but it will take a little bit of effort (and you have only yourself to thank for this, since you should have worked harder at training them). Next time you want to practice at a time that your humans consider inconvenient, find a place that is completely inaccessible to them. Behind or under a couch or other piece of furniture would be good, or maybe in a cabinet or bookshelf, behind some knickknacks or first editions. Then proceed to sing from there. Your placement will make it really hard for your humans to get at you. Choosing a spot near some item prized by your humans is especially good, which is why I mentioned first editions. Pick something that would be ruined if it got wet — the closer you sit to that, the less likely your humans will be to even try to squirt you. Old paper, photographs, antiques, the computer — all these are items that will not do well in a drenching. And whatever you do, keep up your practice. When it comes to persistence, we cats win out over humans every time.