Advice—August 2007

Dear Sparkle,
I am a beautiful female Siamese with royal blood. Things are good in my homestead. I even looked the other way when the “DOG” was invited to share my space, since I know as royalty I always have the option to ban this “DOG” at anytime. But one day my female human brought home the weirdest, ugliest cat I have ever seen. Its ears are obviously deformed and it needs to be kept in solitary confinement. Whenever I get close, it starts to have violent episodes and stomp its feet. The humans never let it out of its jail. Apparently it is very dangerous. I am anxious to be rid of it. Please advise how I should proceed.
Signed,
Skeeter

Dear Skeeter,
Your description of this thing was a little puzzling at first and it took me a while to figure out what kind of cat your humans had brought home. Then it dawned on me—deformed ears, stomping feet, caged, ugly…. Fortunately you enclosed a photo and it confirmed my suspicions. This thing isn’t a cat at all. It’s something called a rabbit. I have heard rumors, generally from outdoor cats who live far away from the city, that rabbits make a yummy main course. But since you are a delicate, refined Siamese, it is probably a little too big for you to eat, and its unattractive appearance no doubt repels you anyway. While not exactly criminal, rabbits can be unpleasant at times. Take the foot stomping thing. Actually, you probably should be a little flattered by that, because it means the rabbit is scared of you! It probably thinks you are going to take a bite out of it. I wouldn’t try that, however, as your humans would probably pitch a fit. I must say, incidentally, these humans certainly have taken advantage of your good nature, first bringing a dog into your home, and now this ugly rabbit. To be honest, if I were you, I don’t think I’d concern myself so much with the rabbit (who is stuck in a cage anyway) as with your humans. They keep bringing home these unpleasant creatures and expecting you to just deal with it. I hope you are showing your displeasure at all of this, because it really is a vile habit, and they must be broken of it. I suggest that you settle in for a very long period of sulking, food shunning and refusing to allow the humans to touch you. Tear up a few pieces of furniture while you are at it, to underscore your unhappiness. And since you are a talkative Siamese, make sure to tell the humans that they are being idiots every chance you get. If you complain and act out long enough, perhaps your humans will think twice before bringing home any more of these horrible animals.