Advice—February 2007

Dear Sparkle,
Today has been kind of a weird day for me because mum decided I need to learn how to behave nicely on a harness. You see, last night I won a contest for mycatwearsclothes.com, and the prize was $25 dollars, and mum said that if I learn how to behave nicely on a harness she would take me to PetSmart and get a new outfit, purrhaps a new collar, and maybe some treats. I really wanna go, but this harness stuff is for dogs! I don’t know what to do! Should I listen to my feline instincts and continue to rebel against the hated harness and miss out on a really fun outing, or should I give in and accept the harness and get to go along to help pick out my own outfit and collar?
Signed,
Distraught

Dear Distraught,
Wow. I have no idea what to say to you. I wear neither clothes nor harnesses and can’t figure out for the life of me why any cat would want to. I must admit the idea of getting some treats from PetSmart certainly sounds intriguing (the new collar part I can do without), but I would never go there myself. That’s what humans are for—they’re here to go get you stuff. Are you sure your human’s not trying to brainwash you? It sounds to me that, little by little, she’s trying to train you to bend to her will. First she’s sticking clothes on you, and now she’s forcing a harness on you, with promises of good things that you should already be getting without making any efforts whatsoever. Trust me, I know the tricks: first they stick the harness on for a few minutes a day so you can “get used to it.” Then, once you are walking around with it on without crawling on your belly, they do the unthinkable—they attach a leash to the collar! I hope my revelation has shocked you; it was meant to. See, they don’t tell you about the leash part. It gets worse, too. First they let you drag the leash around, but before long they’ll pick it up and start trying to lead you around! I know you think your human is far too nice to try anything like that, but trust me, all that nice behavior is a ruse. Humans are sneaky sorts and you must always keep an eye on them to make sure they don’t try something underhanded. My advice to you is to play like Houdini and wiggle out of that harness every chance you get. Luckily, the way we cats are built—loose skin and flexible limbs—this is pretty easy to accomplish. And let your human know that you expect your treats without resorting to a harness, or clothes, or having to go to PetSmart yourself. Do it now before it’s too late.