Advice—December 2004

Dear Sparkle,
I am an American Shorthair and my human and I have gotten along great for the years she’s owned me. She took me in from being a barn cat and she gives me treats, lots of petting and even lets me sleep on her head when she’s sleeping in that big bed. To pay her back, I humor her by coming when she calls, or patting her leg. But now she’s telling people I’m a “trained” cat, and that I’m like the new puppy in the house. This is undignified! I’ve tried everything from ignoring her, glaring, and even not coming in to sleep on the bed at night. But nothing works. What should I do to stop my human from calling me a dog of a cat?
Signed,
Embarrassed House Cat

Dear Embarrassed,
Isn’t that just like a human? They say insulting things about you, and then act as if they don’t understand why you are offended. Granted, they are dense beings, but even the most thick-skulled human must realize that likening a cat to a dog is akin to declaring war with the whole feline species! Your human needs to stop doing this, and fast. It is clear that her rude behavior is giving you a complex.

Like many cats before you, you are attempting to solve the problem through passive-aggressive means. As I said, humans are dense and they just aren’t able to connect the dots—yours just doesn’t see the relationship between your ignoring her and refusing to come to bed with her “dog” remarks. You must use direct means to get her to stop. So just think logically—she is saying you are like a dog. What would make her stop? If you halted any behavior that could be compared to the way a dog acts. Do you ever perform any of your so-called “tricks” when your human has friends over? If so, then she probably enjoys showing off just how much like a dog you are. So next time she starts bragging, just refuse to play. Don’t come when she calls. Don’t do anything “cute.” In fact, if there’s anything breakable around, knock it over in the middle of the conversation about how great a “dog” you are. I mean, isn’t breaking things supposed to be “cat” behavior? So show off just how much of a cat you really are.

Now, here comes the best part—this is the time to pull out the passive-aggressiveness! Whenever no one is around, you can do all the tricks you want—come any time she calls, pat her on the leg, even sit up and beg or anything else. But do none of these things around anyone but your human. If no one else sees all these great tricks you are supposedly doing, then no one will believe what your human says and she will have to shut up with the “dog” comments. She has embarrassed you long enough—it’s time you turned the embarrassment back onto her. If you follow my advice, trust me, she will never call you a dog again!