Advice—June 2004

Dear Sparkle,
My roommate is a pig and I don’t know what to do about it! Well, he’s not actually a pig—he’s a cat just like me—but he hogs all the food. It happens every mealtime—my human gives us each a bowl of food, equal portions. I like to nibble, so I eat a little bit and go off and do other things. Then, when I come back, he’s eaten all his and most of mine! And my human is so dense he doesn’t even notice. When people point out to him that I’m so skinny and the other cat is huge, he just shrugs and says I must have a fast metabolism (whatever that is). What can I do about this situation? I’m not allowed outdoors, so I can’t supplement my dinner with any birds or mice.
Signed,
Undernourished

Dear Undernourished,
You are a poor excuse for a cat! I don’t mean to be harsh, but look at your situation: your roommate is hogging all the cat food and all you can do is whine about it. It’s about time you puffed up, fluffed up and showed that pig who is boss! You already know that your human is completely useless. Guy humans are often like that—they tend to just dump the food down and wander off. So you have to fend for yourself. Granted, it’s going to take a bit of work for a while, but part of that is your own fault for letting this situation get so out of control. Once you’ve really made your point, however, life should get a lot easier.

Even if you like to nibble, you can’t just walk away from your food, especially with a cat like your roommate around. You’ll need to keep a wary eye on your food dish, at least for now. Just eat what you normally would and leave the area, but sit somewhere where you can watch what’s going on. The moment The Hog starts dipping into your food, jump him! Whap him a few times, hiss and growl. Chase him away. Take a bite of your food, just to hammer the point home (growl while you are doing this—it underscores your possessiveness), and then walk off again. But stay close. Your roommate is probably as dense as your human and won’t get it the first time… or the second. You will probably have to repeat this display of dominance a few times a night for a couple of weeks before he really stays away from your food for good. Really put the fear of Bast into him and show no mercy. You need to break your roommate of his bad habit once and for all. Eventually he will know better than to even look at your food dish. But even after it gets to that point, keep an eye on the situation. Your roommate may occasionally take another stab at your food dish even after you’ve given him a series of sound thrashings. If he tries, just attack him again—that should keep him away for a while.

Now go out there and reclaim your food dish! And stop being a whiny little wimp. Such pathetic behavior never looks good on a cat.