I am sure by now it is no secret that you humans do things that get on a kitty’s nerves. I don’t think you do it intentionally, so I figured I would be helpful by pointing out some of your most glaringly awful gaffes. Hey, don’t kill the messenger! I just want you to have a better relationship with your cats. So here are seven of the most annoying things you humans do, at least in a cat’s opinion:
1. Laugh. It is not that we kitties don’t want you to enjoy yourselves, but when you start loudly guffawing, it really hurts our ears! My human loves to watch comedies, but when she does, I head for another room. Seriously, can’t you have fun without making such a racket?
2. Wear perfume or highly scented lotion. Well, some scents you wear are perfectly acceptable, but more often than not, the perfumes you like are really offensive to us kitties! Even worse, it disguises your own natural scent and makes you not smell like yourself anymore. If you are going to cover up your own human smell, why don’t you do it with something more pleasant, like eau de catnip or chicken?
3. Kiss us against our will! Most cats I know really don’t like being kissed. The more polite ones tolerate it without too much complaint, but others (like me) will behave like we can’t wait to escape your clingy grasp. How can that possibly be gratifying to you? Don’t you feel like a rejected suitor or something? Look, if we want affection or attention, we will solicit it. And we would usually prefer pets, skritches, or a good butt slap over a kiss. Here is a clue: if you have to hold us kitties tightly to bestow your version of affection on us, you are probably being annoying.
4. Do something unexpected. We cats generally don’t intend to act skittish, but trip over your two clumsy feet or drop a pan on the floor, and it will send us flying! Sudden movements, especially noisy ones, really freak us out. So could you please go about your day in a more conscious manner so you don’t give us so many unpleasant surprises?
5. Play with us for three minutes and then stop. How would you like it if you were playing Monopoly with someone and you were winning and they suddenly decided to pack up the game board? Or if the blackjack dealer suddenly decided to take back all the cards he just dealt and closed the table? That would be really un-fun, unnatural, and wouldn’t it make you mad? It’s frustrating to have playtime interrupted! All games, human or cat, have a beginning, middle and end, and need to follow the logical course of events before they are over. We kitties like to play until we are tired out, and we know the game is over when we have killed the prey (because for us, play and prey are synonymous — all play involves hunting pretend prey). So when you pull out Da Bird or the catnip mice or the twist tie, do it with a game plan; invest the time to make it gratifying and make sure we have “killed” our toy at the end of the playtime. A treat at the end would be nice too — we can pretend we are eating the spoils of our hunting.
6. Put clothes on us. Unless your cat is Daisy the Curly Cat or Jacoby, Boston’s famous Abyssinian Stroller Cat, he or she probably does not like wearing clothes. What really gets me is that humans know this but they still keep doing it! Why, I ask you, why?
7. Make fun of us. I confess: we cats only have a sense of humor when it involves anyone else but ourselves. In fact, most humans don’t like being the butt of jokes either, so why would you want to do that to your cat? You humans may laugh it off when someone makes you look foolish, but doesn’t it kind of hurt inside? Well, when it comes to us cats, our feelings don’t get hurt (we do not work that way psychologically), but we do get awfully annoyed at you. And our opinion of you, not to mention our trust, goes down a couple of notches. So save the practical jokes for the dog — dogs don’t care if you laugh at them just so long as you shower them with affection afterwards. On second thought, it would probably make the dog pretty neurotic, so maybe you should just can the practical jokes altogether.
These are not the only things humans do that are annoying, so I will throw the question out to my readers — what does your human do that you just can’t stand?