Kitties, Help Your Humans With Their New Year’s Resolutions!

Sadly, my human does not make New Year's resolutions so I can't help her

I know many of you cats have humans who are making New Year’s resolutions that they firmly intend to follow. These are probably the same New Year’s resolutions they made last year (and the year before), and you know how that turned out. I know you don’t want your humans to face another year of abject failure. It makes them sad, grouchy and not much fun to be around. So this time, why don’t you lend a helping paw to make sure they actually stick to what they’ve promised themselves? I know they will be eternally grateful to you.

The Dieting Resolution
Humans are always failing this one, so it is up to you kitties to watch what they are eating. This starts right in the kitchen, the moment your human comes home from the grocery store. Go through her bags and pull out and destroy anything with bread or sweets in it. This is easily enough done — just chew through the wrapping and pull the soft, sticky stuff out with your paws. If your human wrestles the packages away from you, don’t worry. You can use your finely honed sense of smell to locate the offending items later.

The Quitting Junk Food Resolution
This is a fun one for kitties because junk food usually means hamburgers and fried chicken. Any time your human weakens and brings some home, just leap right up and take it from his guilty hands! Once you have it in your jaws, race under the bed or somewhere else that is hard for humans to reach and enjoy a few bites. By the time your human is able to get the burger or drumstick away from you, it will be disgusting (at least in human terms), and he will probably just chuck it. What if it’s something not as exciting, like a bag of potato chips? Well, the crinkly bags are fun, so you can always carry them off (still mostly full, of course), and use them for play.

The Exercise More Resolution
The only way to get most humans moving is to make them! Here is a great way to help them practice their agility and flexibility: hide under the bed or in some really tight, hard to reach spot and start howling like you are feeling sick. Your human will panic and do everything she can to crawl underneath wherever you have placed yourself. The moment she has almost gotten to you, run out and hide under something else to make her do another rep. Here is one that will get her moving fast: locate where she is, then start hacking loudly a couple of rooms away, like you are about to vomit! She will come running, especially if you picked a room with a valuable rug or delicate floor surface.

The Get Organized Resolution
Sometimes you have to goad your human into action, and this is probably one of them. If you live with a messy slob who wants to change his ways, you may have to make things even more disorganized first — jump on stacks of papers and knock them off desks, drag dirty laundry down the hallway, knock unwashed dishes to the floor. While your human is picking things up, it may occur to him that this is the perfect time to start straightening up! Oh, and hacking works here too — if your human does not want you to throw up on his things, he will be compelled to do something about putting them out of your reach.

The Spend More Time With Family Resolution
This one is easy — just lie on top of your human until she has spent sufficient time with you.

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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!
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