Kitties, Help Your Humans With Their New Year’s Resolutions!

Sadly, my human does not make New Year's resolutions so I can't help her

I know many of you cats have humans who are making New Year’s resolutions that they firmly intend to follow. These are probably the same New Year’s resolutions they made last year (and the year before), and you know how that turned out. I know you don’t want your humans to face another year of abject failure. It makes them sad, grouchy and not much fun to be around. So this time, why don’t you lend a helping paw to make sure they actually stick to what they’ve promised themselves? I know they will be eternally grateful to you.

The Dieting Resolution
Humans are always failing this one, so it is up to you kitties to watch what they are eating. This starts right in the kitchen, the moment your human comes home from the grocery store. Go through her bags and pull out and destroy anything with bread or sweets in it. This is easily enough done — just chew through the wrapping and pull the soft, sticky stuff out with your paws. If your human wrestles the packages away from you, don’t worry. You can use your finely honed sense of smell to locate the offending items later.

The Quitting Junk Food Resolution
This is a fun one for kitties because junk food usually means hamburgers and fried chicken. Any time your human weakens and brings some home, just leap right up and take it from his guilty hands! Once you have it in your jaws, race under the bed or somewhere else that is hard for humans to reach and enjoy a few bites. By the time your human is able to get the burger or drumstick away from you, it will be disgusting (at least in human terms), and he will probably just chuck it. What if it’s something not as exciting, like a bag of potato chips? Well, the crinkly bags are fun, so you can always carry them off (still mostly full, of course), and use them for play.

The Exercise More Resolution
The only way to get most humans moving is to make them! Here is a great way to help them practice their agility and flexibility: hide under the bed or in some really tight, hard to reach spot and start howling like you are feeling sick. Your human will panic and do everything she can to crawl underneath wherever you have placed yourself. The moment she has almost gotten to you, run out and hide under something else to make her do another rep. Here is one that will get her moving fast: locate where she is, then start hacking loudly a couple of rooms away, like you are about to vomit! She will come running, especially if you picked a room with a valuable rug or delicate floor surface.

The Get Organized Resolution
Sometimes you have to goad your human into action, and this is probably one of them. If you live with a messy slob who wants to change his ways, you may have to make things even more disorganized first — jump on stacks of papers and knock them off desks, drag dirty laundry down the hallway, knock unwashed dishes to the floor. While your human is picking things up, it may occur to him that this is the perfect time to start straightening up! Oh, and hacking works here too — if your human does not want you to throw up on his things, he will be compelled to do something about putting them out of your reach.

The Spend More Time With Family Resolution
This one is easy — just lie on top of your human until she has spent sufficient time with you.

* * *
Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” Sparkle had answers to many annoying problems in her two award-winning books! Visit her author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of her awesome Dear Sparkle books!

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Share on TumblrShare via email Share


  1. says

    Those are some terrific ways to get the human back on track. We especially like the one about getting under the bed but the problem with our Person is that if she gets down to get us out from under the bed, she can’t get up again. Not good. LOL Have a super day.

  2. says

    mol! those are great ideas, Sparkle! we can even combine the quitting junk food and exercise more resolutions: after making off with the food, run around a bit to allow a good chase and exercise for the human :) you know, even if a human doesn’t make resolutions, we can employ these tactics and make them feel like they are accomplishing something 😀

    Pip, Smidgen, Minnie, Hollie

  3. Baby Tali says

    My humom hates to get up when one of us kittehs lays on top her..She says that we just looks so comfy..I thinks it is just a excuse to do nothing..but I don’t mind cause she IS so comfy.. 😉

  4. says

    I think kitties should tell their humans not to make any New Year’s resolutions. Humans seem to fail at them so much that they only make them sad.

  5. says

    These are excellent, Sparkle! I particularly like the yowling-like-you’re-going-to-be-sick-in-the-most-inaccessible-place one!! Happy New Year to you and Binga and Boodie ….. and the humans :) xx

  6. says

    Excellent resolutions Sparkle! My humans were sitting around recently talking about their goals for 2014. I just rolled my eyes! Meow and Namaste and Happy Mew Year Sparkle! Pippy the Feline Yogini

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>