How to Make Your Cat Do What You Want

Don't worry, kitties - I think you will like this secret

I am about to divulge the biggest secret of all kitty-kind. It is the answer that you humans have been seeking since time immemorial. Because if I know you humans and you kitties, I’ll wager that the latter rarely seems to do what the former wants. In fact, when a cat does do what a human wants, it is usually so surprising to the human that it gives them a rush of pleasure. Before I go on, I do want to point out that if you follow what I am about to tell you, you risk losing that special rush. So if you would rather have fleeting moments of extreme ecstasy (wedged between deep valleys of frustration) instead of a lower-grade, all-the-time bliss, then you may want to skip this blog post.

Still here? I figured you would be. You humans are too curious for your own good. But still, I am ready to reveal the big truth of making your cat do what you want, every time, all the time. It will change your life, and I am serious about that. Ready? Here it is:

To make a cat do what you want, you must want exactly what your cat wants.

When you enjoin your heart’s desire with your cat’s desire, only then will your cat do exactly what you want her to do. Because cats will only ever do what they want to do. And the only way you humans can make that work for you all the time is to want the same thing.

So does your cat want treats? Give him treats. Does she want to counter surf? You want her to do that too. Do your kittens want to turn your linen curtains into beautiful strands of handmade lace? Appreciate this gift!

The path to eternal happiness with your kitties is very simple. But it is not a path everyone can make. Kitties, do you think your human is up to this spiritual challenge? Or do they lack the serenity and mental discipline to accomplish this journey of feline discovery?

* * *
Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” Sparkle had answers to many annoying problems in her two award-winning books! Visit her author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of her awesome Dear Sparkle books!

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  1. BrucesMom says

    Meowma is doomed to be a miserable woman her whole life. We just cannot make her want us to counter surf, let her sleep after 5:00 a.m. or let house plants survive more than a few hours. But we keep trying. 😉
    Jasmine, Joey, Eddie and Rosie

  2. says

    We definitely have our Person trained to the hilt. The furniture is all just skeletons, and just in general we do what ever we please. She only says bad words every now and then. She knows she is outnumbered.
    Have a good day.

  3. says

    brilliant post !!!!the truth is now known???thank Ceiling Cat my humans fully understand this truth. This was a very enlightening post Sparkle and brought me and my humans to an even closer bound of mutual goals…heh…heh

  4. says

    I would have to agree with you Sparkle, that is sage advice! Do you know that one of my favorite and OLD cat advice books was written by Warren Eckstein and I believe it was called “How to get your cat to do what you want” I believe that was the name!

    • says

      My human got that book back in the 1990s too! She has met Warren Eckstein a couple of times since he is local and made appearances at Pet Expos a few times around here.

  5. Pasha says

    We thought you were going to say to do the opposite of what you want, so it’ll be what your cat wants! Your advice makes purrfect sense though.

  6. says

    Counter surfing – Aaaah I can dream – they haven’t worked out how I get up near the ceiling on the cupboard tops tho’ MOL!!.

    Dad whips me off the counter sharpish! but we DO get more treats than a cat can eat, and a constant supply of Nutro and Royal Canin Exigent (super fussy eater variety).


  7. says

    I will make sure my human studies this article in depth as I want to assist her on her spiritual journey. She’s always up for a spiritual challenge but whether or not she succeeds is a whole different story. Meow and Namaste! ~ Pippy the Feline Yogini

  8. says

    TW definitely lacks the discipline to do anything, especially that. She’s rather whine that I don’t do what she wants and that I do things deliberately to upset/annoy her. Pffttt!

  9. says

    So, I how do I convince my kitty that he doesn’t want to sleep on the good furniture in the living room? I’d be all in agreement with that idea.

  10. says

    Having a well trained human, well domesticated, is a daily challenge. Once the domesticated human has understood that it’s all about the kitty and is able to think “kitty first”, it’s easy. But you, cats, have to train your human every day.

    • Carole says

      Oh I love this ‘blog’…only speaks the truth!!humans just have to go, ‘along’ with us and all’s well with the world. 😛

  11. says

    Our humans are lacking in every way possible, so this isn’t going to happen. And since they are never going to want us to throw up on the rug, bed or any place else for that matter, they will just have to be content with us doing exactly as we please. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  12. Judy & C.A.T.S says

    We just found ur blog today and we are glad that we did. Our Mom thinkz we are really spoiled itz about time that somebody set her straight. The Katz are in charge. Shelly Kat has the hoomaz wrapped around her paw. Mom calls her a “diva” but we likez to watch the hoomanz jump when she meows. We luv how good she has trained them. Love, Cali, Andy, Tater and Shelly (C.A.T.S)

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