Fitness Tests to Give Your Human

Don't let your human be a slacker!

Kitties, as you know, humans come in all shapes, sizes and mental conditions. Some are younger, some are older, and regardless of their age, they may not be in the best shape. But never fear — if your humans are on the creaky side, you can help them get in better condition. Even if your humans work out and take care of themselves, there is always room for improvement! I have a few simple tests you can give your human that will help raise their fitness level in several different areas. They are fun and easy for us kitties to do! Try them out — you will be surprised at how much better your human functions after a few weeks!

1. Improve your human’s reaction time. Late at night, while your human is sleeping, hack up a fat, wet hairball on the bedroom floor, right where you expect her to step with her bare feet. Doing this randomly without any specific pattern of days will teach her to be quicker, more alert and at the same time, more careful! Some of you kitties may be doing this one already, and if you are, paws up to you!

2. The hearing test. This is another one you perform late at night. While your human is sleeping, go into another room, find something fairly heavy and/ or breakable sitting on a table, bookshelf or ledge, and knock it to the floor. If this does not get a reaction out of your human, next time try something at a location closer to where she is sleeping. If you do get a reaction, next time try doing it again in a room that is farther away. After performing this test a few times, I can almost guarantee your human’s hearing will get better.

3. Improving lung capacity. This is the same as the hearing test, actually. When your human talks in her Very Loud Voice, as she is likely to do when you knock things around late at night, it helps strengthen her lungs. You can also do this test during the day by performing any act she does not want you to do — as long as you are doing it far enough away that she can’t physically reach you.

4. The flexibility test. Crawl somewhere that is hard to reach — under the dining table or sofa, for example, and start heaving like you are going to hack up a hairball. Your human will get down on her hands and knees to try to get you. All this movement on her part will help keep her limber! Alternately, you can howl really loud. She will think there is something wrong with you and again, try to get to you.

5. Chest exercises. Here is another one to do while your human is in bed. While she is on her back, crawl onto her chest and allow your full weight to bear down. Your human will have to work her chest muscles extra hard so she can keep breathing. It helps if you purr loudly during this exercise — it will make her less inclined to move you.

This is just a sampling. The great thing about all these tests and exercises is that they don’t really feel like workouts to your human. Even humans who have difficulty fitting exercise into their lives will make the time — with your help!

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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!
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29 Responses to Fitness Tests to Give Your Human

  • It’s important to keep our hoomans fit so they serve us better! Thanks!

  • MOL, Sparkle!! We do some of those already :) Lita hacks up hairballs randomly and leaves them all over the house. Since mommy can’t see them, she ends up stepping in most of them, and we laigh and laugh and laugh…. :)

    Carmine does another kind of test on mommy. When it time to wake up, he will walk all over her and meow and meow until she pets him. Sometimes, he stands or sits on hers bladder so hers has to build stronger bladder muscle, MOL!

    Happy Thursday, Sparkle!

  • MOL MOL MOL Sparkle you are a funny kitty.
    I need to work harder on #2! Hugs Madi your bFFF

  • We think we passed most of these BUT we must pay more attention to No.3 as we think we have been too lenient here.
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

  • So Sparkle, thanks for all that advice. We are doing all those things all the time we have our human in great shape even if she is older than dirt. We especially like it when we sound like we are going to heave our meals, she comes running so she gets exercise then too. Take care.

  • Gee, we completely missed out on #5, but we will start tonight!

  • Sparkle that is some really good advice for getting us humans in shape. :mrgreen:

  • Goodness! You look like a stern taskmistress in that photo! MOL! MomKatt needs you to snoopervise her workouts!


  • Also, in relation to #2, try some late-night caterwauling, especially in a place not near your person.

  • LOL!! These are excellent fitness ideas for humans! My boys sometimes do 1 – 4, but don’t do 5. Actually I would love them to be on my chest and purr, so I can do my exercise :-)

  • You are something else Sparkle. Always helping those in need whether animal or human. You deserve an award!

  • We try all of those, but our human is so used to all those tech-nicks that she goes in a comatose state most of the time. :shock: We need to take these to a higher level to help her snap out of it! Thanks for the heads up! :twisted:

  • MOL! How about adding some kitty yoga?

  • My Aunt Susie is the best hairball hacker..I love to knock things down..I will work on getting better at these things Sparkle!!

  • Oh thanks for the tips. We do a few of these already, but always good to have more ways to get mum fitter.

  • You sure know how to keep our human’s on their toes!
    I know you’ve already been over to visit me…so this will come as no surprise.
    Apparently MY human needs food training too. As in, give me ENOUGH FOOD!
    ; ) Katie

  • I must work harder to get the human fit…

  • Excellent ideas…..I plan to institute some of this testing regimen around here. Thank you oh wise Sparkle!

    Kitty Hugs, Sammy

  • hehehehe someone (named Gracie) just threw up all their dinner in the kitchen.
    you wouldn’t believe how fast Mom moved!


  • Those are all great tips for keeping humans in tip top shape! Our mommy gets a real chest workout when Isabella lays on her. Just sayin.


  • The mom has been complaining that she’s put on a few extra pounds lately. Guess we’re gonna help her lose them!! Thanks Sparkle!

  • I like how you think. Pop’s lungs got a workout this evening when I bit him as he tried to pass me in the hall. Heh heh.

  • Excellent suggestions! Thanks for writing them down or us!

  • We have to be careful at night not to p1ss mom off or else she shuts us in the basement. She secures all or what’s left of her pretty breakables in a curio cabinet. Mom says she has had kitties since before dirt was invented so she knows most of our tricks already.

  • This gives me a whole new perspective on my cat’s activities …

  • hmmm…I don’t do any of that…except go someplace they can’t get me when it is time for my claws to be whacked off…does that count? They had to undo our complete king size bed, mattress, springs…just to get to me…Dad was really sweating when he got that mattress off…heh…heh

  • Thank you, Sparkle, for these great tips. Now I can quit my gym membership. :( Hey–you forgot “leg exercises”–if you hack on the bed while the human is sleeping, it gives her legs a good workout to a) find you and b) kick your hacky self off the bed!!

  • PAWsome fitness test´s for your human !
    I will test them all tonight :mrgreen:

  • Haha awesome. I am very good at that Hearing Test – I wake up every night to my cat doing something or other. And yeah, it starts out as something being pushed off the coffee table in the other room – if that doesn’t get my attention, she goes right for what is on the desk in my room. Every once in a while my glasses get knocked off my bedside table to Really get my attention

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