The Cat Owner’s Manual:
Operating Instructions, Troubleshooting Tips, and Advice on Lifetime Maintenance
By Dr. David Brunner and Sam Stall
Humans really are an odd bunch. While we cats (and other animals) do a pretty good job of taking care of ourselves and understanding our bodies and behaviors, humans can’t seem to make a move without a manual of some sort. While we run and jump and climb, humans need to have “exercise” explained to them. If it weren’t for all those diet books on the market, who knows what sorts of horrible things they would put into their mouths? Their machines—computers and the like—require even more detailed instructions. So it only figures that eventually some human (or in this case, two humans) would come up with a cat care book that reads exactly like a hardware manual, techhie-style illustrations and all. Are you a human looking to make a new feline addition to your family? Then you’d better take note of the “Kitten Pre-Acquisition Inspection Checklist.” Then, of course, you are given information on “Interfacing” with the new family member. You are given a “Diagram and Parts List,” lessons in “Basic Programming,” “Fuel Requirements,” “Emergency Maintenance” and more, all to keep your cat running smoothly without freezing up or crashing (although I wouldn’t bet on the latter—crashing is one of our specialties). Frankly, I find this all quite laughable. We cats, of course, have little use for a book like this. Humans who live with cats, however, will consider it a necessity, and those who spend most of their time typing in front of those small screens will find that this book speaks their language.
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