Shocking Human Announcement!

I had to think long and hard about what I am about to say!
For nearly nine and a half years (starting September 2003), I have been offering cat-to-cat advice — no humans allowed! That is because there are so many “cat experts” out there who are not actually cats, and I felt that we kitties could only get authentic tips and useable advice from one of our own. But after scrutinizing the columns in my two books and my monthly advice column — quite a large body of work indeed! — it has come to my attention that a good 80-85% of the problems are caused by… humans! And the problem is, we cats can only do so much on our own to change a human’s behavior. After all, they are willful creatures and not very bright.

So after a decade of catering to cats only, I have decided to open things up and invite humans to ask me questions! Maybe if I talk to you people directly and plainly, it will be easier to make you understand what we cats require of you. I know I will have to dumb things down a bit since, not being cats, humans cannot see through a cat’s eyes. Things that are obvious to us cats are as clear as mud to you humans, so it may take more explanation than I am used to. But I am willing to give it a try and see if it helps kitties have better lives with their humans.

Don’t worry, kitties, I will not be giving away any secrets or proprietary information. I am only opening my blog to human questions for your benefit. I do have the Kitty Code of Silence to uphold.

There are just a few rules for you humans to follow:

  1. I am not a vet. In fact, I hate vets. So I can’t answer questions about health, or medical treatment — or answer questions about issues that require veterinary intervention, other than to tell you that veterinary intervention is required.

  2. If you have a complicated question, like if you have 10 cats and they have all been fighting for years and peeing all over the place and each one has a different problem with a different cat, I can’t help you there either. You need a cat behaviorist to come to your house and give you a complex solution to your complex problem. Don’t try to take the easy way out. A lot of things can’t be solved over the internet, so don’t try.

  3. Don’t expect me to give you easy answers that will make your life more comfortable. Easy or not, the answers I give you will make your cats’ lives more comfortable. Hello, I’m a cat! I care about other cats. Humans? Not so much. Although I will make an effort to find a happy medium.

  4. You can ask me dumb questions. Like if you are wondering why your cat is doing something that puzzles you but isn’t a behavior problem — you are just curious. In fact, those are my favorite questions because if I don’t know the answer, I may make something up (this has to do with the Kitty Code of Silence — there are some things we don’t want you to know).

  5. While I do hope what I have to say helps cats, this is all in fun and not meant to be a replacement for advice from a vet or behaviorist. Seriously, if you are at your wit’s end, go to Google and search for an expert near your home. I know I said this before, but it bears repeating.

There you have it! If you have any questions, use my contact page on my blog or email me at sparkle at sparklecat dot com.

Heh. This should be interesting!

* * *
Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!
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Comments

  1. The Kitties of Purring Pines says

    Great idea. We hope you won’t get too frustrated dumbing things down! You can only do so much with humans … Have a great week!

  2. says

    Excellent idea Sparkle. We think you’ll be doing us a world of good by giving the straight talk to humans. Looking forward to your column…..

    Have a great day…

    hugs, Max, Bugsy, and Knuckles

  3. says

    That is a great idea Sparkle. We will have to think about all our problems and see what we can come up with. Can’t wait to hear some of the questions. Take care.

  4. da tabbies o trout towne says

    whoa….for a breef minit ther sparkle… ya had uz scared ta halibutt harbor N bak…. we thought ewe wuz gonna say…..

    ya wuz invitin:

    BURDS

    thanx bee ta cod ya dinna…..

  5. says

    Maybe you should be specific and say you’ll only answer questions from humans about cats. Otherwise, they’ll be axing questions about their love life and how to cook eggs in a microwave or alternate uses for lemons. Humans are dumb after all. Looking at the other comments, you may have to devote at least 1 day a week to your advice column, rather than monthly.

  6. says

    Oh my dawg! We will have to think of something that we do that totally perplexes the beans and maybe you can answer the question!!! Okey dokey. We have our thinking hats upon our furry heads.

    Luf, Us

  7. says

    You’re gonna be busy Sparkle! Our mommy has always wondered how we can tell the difference between a can of stinky goodness or a bag of treats being opened from other cans or bags being opened. They sound the same to her so we won’t let her in on the secret. On second thought, not sure you should either!

  8. says

    “Dumb it down” hahahaha we love it!
    We like the hard line you will take with the humans!
    They always want the easy solutions ;)
    As you say, this could be interesting!
    Purrs Tillie and Georgia,
    Treasure,Tiger, JJ and Julie

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