Dear Not a Toy,
Oh no, it sounds like the human kitten has reached the most annoying age, at least for kitties: the toddler stage. This is where they are mobile and curious, but they just don’t understand very much. This means they get into a lot of trouble and they don’t know yet how to treat kitties and other living things. There really is not much you can do about the one you live with, except to avoid him unless the grown-up humans are very carefully supervising the both of you. That way, if he is too rough on you, you can scream for help and somebody will be right there to come to your aid. If the grown-up humans are distracted and not paying too much attention to the human kitten, you will have to rely on the fact that, as you mentioned, you are faster and more agile than he is. Jump on the highest surfaces you have available — hopefully your human has a cat tree for you. If not, you will have to make do with counters, mantles and the tops of entertainment centers. Or you can hide behind furniture, in places too small for the human kitten to reach. If he can’t get to you, chances are this will cause him to start crying in frustration, and if this happens, feel free to add your voice to the noise. It will get the grown-up humans’ attention even quicker and hopefully they will fetch the kid and you can have some peace.

Unfortunately, human kittens grow a lot more slowly than young cats, so this problem is bound to go on for much longer than you would like. But with any luck, the grown-up humans will train him to be nice to you, and eventually he will find other things to occupy his time besides bothering you. I imagine that at this point, you are probably a little annoyed that your humans brought this guy home to begin with, but don’t worry — if you live long enough, you will have the last laugh. When the kid becomes what is known as a “teenager,” he will make the adult humans’ lives as miserable as yours is right now.

Dear Kit’s End,
Such a joy, breaking in a new kitten, isn’t it? Especially for a nice cat like you, who doesn’t want to dampen her high spirits — and you are suffering all sorts of petty annoyances as a result. Add a human to the mix, who is clueless about the right way to deal with a kitten and you have a perpetual source of frustration. Actually, in this case, I think your human may be easier to manipulate than the kitten. In fact, I’m sure this is true. The kitten is easy enough, really. Just let her continue to do what she’s doing. She’ll eventually get bored of your sun patches and your special spot on the bed and find her own places. And if she doesn’t, you can always, shall we say, encourage her to find them once she’s a little bigger and closer to you in size. So really, she is only inconveniencing you for a little while. Your human, on the other hand, is not helping things because she’s wasting time fretting over the kitten’s behavior, trying to get her to move (which is useless), and generally attempting to control a situation over which she has no control whatsoever. Since she seems to be stressed out over inconveniencing you, I suggest that you milk that for all it is worth. Instead of trying to grab your place on the bed, go into another room and sleep there. Your human will think you are sulking, or depressed and she will do all sorts of things to make you feel better — pay extra attention to you, bring home new treats, maybe buy some toys or even a new cat tree. You don’t even have to work it. Just let the kitten have her way and go off and curl up in a ball. Your human will imagine the rest and act accordingly. By the time the kitten’s a year old, you should have all sorts of great perks that you earned by doing… nothing! Meanwhile, the kitten will have matured and stopped being so annoying. Of course your human will think that she helped things along. She didn’t, but if I were you, I would let her take credit. You may get more new stuff if she thinks it is making a difference.

Dear Silence,
There really is no excuse for your human to be using the phone when you are hanging out and trying to doze. Acceptable activities are: petting you, giving you skritches (both of which you’ve mentioned), watching television, reading a book, needlework or maybe texting if she can do it without disturbing you too much. If she were doing any of these activities, she would be too preoccupied to talk on the phone. It sounds to me like she has no clue when it comes to lap etiquette, so clearly some training is in order. First you need to discourage her phone habit. When she starts talking while you are on her lap, jump off, but sit close by and begin to drown out her chatter with your own vocalizing. If she gets up and leaves the room, you can either follow her and continue to meow, or you can just stay where you are and find something fragile to knock over. Either tactic will draw your human’s attention away from the phone. Of course, you want to do more than just get your human off the phone — you also want her to sit so you can curl up on her lap. So while you are showing disapproval for one activity — her talking — you must show approval when she is behaving. Whenever she is sitting quietly, jump up onto her lap and make yourself comfortable. But do more than that — purr loudly, softly knead your paws on her lap (make sure to be gentle here, so you don’t scratch her) and rub your face against her. Gaze up at her and give her the contented, half-open eyes. Make it obvious that you love it when she is making her lap a nice place to be. But if she gets on the phone, start your disruptive tactics again. After you repeat these steps for a few days (or, for really dense humans, a few weeks), your human should get the idea and modify her behavior accordingly.

Dear CKO,
Humans are not very bright, not even the ones who are smart enough to stay home to do work. For one thing, if they were really, truly smart, they would figure out how not to do the work thing at all, and just cater to us all the time. And your human is definitely in need of some behavior modification, since he seems to think that his so-called work is more important than his duties to you. In fact, if he took a break now and again to pay attention to you, he would probably be more relaxed and get more done. That is one of the benefits of being a kitty’s employee.

On the other paw, have you considered that maybe you aren’t being clear enough about what you want out of your human? It sounds like he just thinks you want in and out of the office, when in reality, you want something a bit more complicated than that. Usually a kitty wants one of three things: playtime, food, or some affection, so you need to tailor your request to whichever you are looking for. If you are hungry, tell him so by jumping on his desk and chewing on some papers or licking the glue on an envelope (personally, I find envelope glue pretty tasty!). Do you want to play? Then when you ask to come in, bring a toy along with you. If you don’t have any toys handy, carry in a reasonable facsimile, such as a twist-tie, a pen, or perhaps a dead bug. Just walk in with whatever you’ve got and place it in his lap. With any luck, he will toss it so you can chase after it. If you just want some company, you need to get his attention away from his work. Do this by jumping on his lap and poking him with your paw, or leaping on the desk and walking in front of the computer screen. Do not take no for an answer – you know better than your human when he needs to take a kitty break.

The thing you have to remember about humans is that subtleties are lost on them, so when you want something, you can’t just meow around the bush. Be bold, be obvious, and be persistent. If your human knows exactly what you want, chances are he will give it to you.

Dear MBIOL,
I know what you mean — humans seem to have some weird cat belly fetish. And the curious thing is that 63% of cats do not really like their belly being rubbed. (Okay, I’m not really sure if the correct percentage is 63 — I haven’t taken a poll — but judging from the cats I’ve talked to, more dislike it than like it.) And to take their obsession even further, humans have all sorts of theories about why cats either accept or reject belly rubs. They say that when we lie on our backs, it’s a form of submission, and that cats who allow belly rubs are showing trust. Well, that’s not exactly correct. Dogs show their bellies to express submission — for cats, it’s actually a fighting move that puts all four of our fiercest weapons (our front and back claws) at attention. So a lot of times, even if we are relaxed and sleepy, when we feel our bellies being touched, we are immediately alert and ready for battle! Often the fighting instinct trumps how much we kitties trust a human. Take Binga, for example — she’s the friendliest cat here and the humans can do almost anything with her — except rub her belly! So, your human may think she is making you feel good by touching your belly, but she is really doing the opposite and putting you in attack mode!

Unfortunately, human minds are simple and they cannot easily wrap their heads around the concept that cats react differently to belly rubs. Clearly you are one of those cats who hate having their bellies touched and your human isn’t getting it. There is no easy solution to this. Frequent negative reactions (“going feral,” as you put it) may hurt your relationship with your human, and of course, just lying there and taking it is not satisfactory. If you can’t find a good place to sunbathe that’s out of human reach, I’m afraid the bite-and-run technique is the best you can do. Hopefully one day your human will stop her thoughtless behavior.

I have a poll now — look to your right! Tell me if you like your belly rubbed or not!

HBI,
Other than the obvious — food, shelter and a clean litter box, be it plastic or porcelain — humans and cats have completely different needs. If they are cooped up for too long, humans can develop all sorts of negative behavior patterns. They may stop washing themselves and spend countless hours staring blankly at the moving screen they keep in their living rooms and bedrooms. If they stay inside for too many days, they can get depressed, moody and may even display bursts of anger and impatience. It’s a well-known syndrome, something humans themselves call “cabin fever.” Whereas we cats can find any number of ways to entertain ourselves indoors, humans cannot get enough stimulation inside the house to maintain a normal state of being.

So it’s not a good idea to try to make humans stay inside all the time. When they get bored and stagnant, it can be very unpleasant. Even humans themselves realize this, which is why they create sometimes-frivolous excuses to leave the house, such as that thing called “work,” or even sillier, “shopping” (unless the shopping involves a trip to the pet store). That’s the other thing you need to keep in mind: all the stuff you need for a happy life — food, fresh litter, toys and cat trees — must get to your home somehow. And while more and more humans are using the internet to have these things delivered, most of them still find it necessary to go out and get them themselves. Also consider this: if your human were indoors all the time, she would probably bother you for attention far more than you want, and you would never get a chance to do things she doesn’t like, such as sleep on the dining room table or look for crumbs on the kitchen counter. So an indoor-outdoor human is good for your mental health and recreation too.

Dear Too Much,
You are obviously a cat who easily becomes overstimulated and only wants limited amounts of petting. And your situation is a prime example of the many ways humans think differently from us cats. They are firmly convinced that more is always better, when cats know that enough is better. Take the instances where you growl at your human to ask her to stop petting you. She keeps rubbing you because she thinks you are upset (which you are), and that if she pets you more, you will calm down. It’s some sort of warped human logic to think that more of something that has become unpleasant will suddenly make it become pleasant.

I am assuming that you are giving your human all the proper signals to make her stop petting you — tensing up, twitchy skin, lashing your tail, flattening your ears, giving the wild eyes, either growling or purr-growling — before you bite her and run off. She should be picking up on all of this. If your human were really paying attention to you instead of keeping one eye on the stupid moving screen, she might learn when you’ve had enough petting for now and leave you alone. Maybe you shouldn’t let her pet you while her attention is elsewhere — just hang out on the couch farther than arm’s length instead. Or you could try making your warning signals a little more obvious — really whap that tail! Or you could leave before the petting gets too horribly annoying.

Humans are notoriously difficult to train when it comes to this issue. Usually they have to read about it somewhere, or somebody has to tell them what the problem is before they realize it’s their fault you’re getting upset. So you might want to send her over here to see what I have to say.

Dear Better Resting,
I see there’s miscommunication going on between you and your human. You think she is laying these books out especially for your comfort, but the truth is that she believes that the books are hers, and she has only put them down temporarily. When she wants them again, she sees no problem with removing you from them. Now, you know and I know that she’s completely in the wrong and all books 100% belong to you. However, growling at her when she tries to take one away from you is probably not the best way to express your ownership. Unlike cats, humans have no ability to understand growl nuances. They can’t tell the difference between warning growls, playful growls, and kicking-butt-is-imminent growls. They tend to think all growls mean you have turned into a feral cat who is about to unleash a fearsome display of aggression. While that is a good tool to have in your repertoire, it’s a little extreme for a simple debate over book ownership. Instead, you should probably pull out that good, old standard: the passive-aggressive ploy. Refuse to get up off the book by making yourself as heavy as possible. If she tries to pull you off, cling to the book for dear life. If you manage to rip through a few pages, so much the better. Although ripped pages have no affect on your enjoyment of a book, humans think that the torn pages “ruin” them. If you make it difficult for your human to remove you from the book, and if her doing so risks damaging what she wrongly views as her property, she will eventually just leave you alone and only take the book when you are done with it. I admit, it’s a bit of a process, proving that the books belong to you, but once you’ve made it perfectly clear, you shouldn’t have to worry about your human disturbing you again.

Dear CNO,
Oh, the dress up thing is a very bad human habit! And every year, more and more humans are doing it to their cats. It seems like every pet store has racks and racks of pet clothing these days. Fortunately, if you prefer to go au naturel, there are ways of discouraging your human from bringing home “cute little outfits” whenever she goes off to buy cat litter. You just have to understand human psychology. See, it’s not enough to just dress us up — even more important, you human wants to take lots of photographs so she can share them with her friends. So if you are a bad model, then your human won’t have any photos to share and she will be less inclined to fork out her money for costumes that nobody ever gets to see. Here are some tips that are guaranteed to ruin your human’s photo session:

• Don’t look at the camera. Giving grouchy looks is pointless. For some sadistic reason, humans love photos of grouchy looking cats in costume. Instead look down at your paws or turn your head away from the camera. The less your human — and her invasive camera lens — can see your eyes, the better.

• Be extra fidgety. If you sit still for even a second, your human will take the opportunity to snap a photo. Instead, work on getting out of the costume — shake your head to get the hat off, wrestle your way out of a shirt. Any photos your human takes will look very awkward and not-cute.

• Escape the photo session completely and go hide under the bed.

• When all else fails, throw up, either on your costume or on a nice outfit that belongs to your human. The only thing that will bum her out worse than not getting a good photo of you in costume is having her own clothing ruined.

With frequent repetition of the above tactics, your human should finally give up and stop trying to dress you. I know from experience — the more I use these tricks, the less I’m stuffed into costumes against my will.

Dear Hungry,
Humans have to be the most thick-skulled creatures around. Things that would be obvious to a six-week-old kitten, they don’t get. Now, if I were to walk in the door and see you waiting for me, all perky and happy, the first thing I’d do is play with you! But all humans ever think about is food. They’re obsessed with eating, and on top of that, they think every other species is equally obsessed with it too (which isn’t true — most species eat only when they’re hungry and go on to other matters). That’s why the United States has a serious obesity problem — for both humans and cats. I think part of the dilemma is that humans associate love with food. They think that the only way they can express affection is by giving us treats. Not only is getting so much food bad nutritionally, it shows a woeful lack of imagination. There are lots of other ways to bond with us kitties — brushing us, petting us and especially playing with us! Because humans are not so bright, you need to be pretty literal if you want them to understand what you want from them. So first off, I would suggest that when your human comes home, stop greeting her in the dining room. The dining room immediately makes her think “food.” Find another place to welcome her home — the living room, or a family room, if you have one. And make it obvious that you want to play. If you have a favorite toy, you could always bring it to her, or you could use a little bit of creative play instead — attack her from behind a chair, for example, or jump on top of her from a high shelf. I’m sure she will scream with delight if you surprise her like this the moment she walks in the door! Food will be the furthest thing from her mind, especially if, after leaping on her, you immediately start racing around the house and knocking things over in your wake. Not only will all this extra activity burn off some calories, it will also keep your human on her toes, which is always a good thing to do. Show your human you want to be an active cat, not some food-scarfing couch potato, and she is bound to follow your lead.