Dear Sparkle: My Human Is Taking Up the Whole Bed!

Dear Sparkle,
My human says I am a little cranky, but who can blame me? I am not getting enough sleep! That makes anybody cranky, human or feline. And you wanna know why I am not getting enough sleep? Yep, it’s all on my human! She takes up the whole bed at night. She is always moving and thrashing around in her sleep and half the time I’m worried I’ll get thrown off the bed from all her flailing! You know what’s even worse? She says I’m the one taking up the whole bed! That’s a laugh — I’m probably one tenth her size, and you don’t need to be a scientist to figure out the ratio of mass to bed puts the blame squarely on her. Is there any way to get her to settle down? I’ve tried lying on top of her, but at 15 pounds, I can only do so much to keep her still — and that “so much” generally means “not much.”
Sleep Deprived

Dear Sleep Deprived,
You have no idea how often I hear this complaint, from both humans and cats. And yes, it is always the humans to blame. They refuse to acknowledge that with their bigger mass, they are taking up more bed space than we kitties possibly could. But to listen to them, you would think we had the magical ability to morph into spreading, hyper-limbed creatures, capable of covering a whole bed in one simple stretch. I wish! Bottom line, humans are just being silly and letting their imaginations run away with them. Throughout the ages, kitties have tried any number of solutions: lying on their human (we don’t weigh enough to keep them still for long), biting and growing at them when accidentally whapped with a random limb (it only causes the human to wake up screaming – which keeps us awake even longer), and just toughing it out (and all that does is frustrate us). Now, the most logical solution would be to get a bigger bed, but for some reason, humans never come up with this idea. Granted, sometimes, the room is too small to accommodate a larger bed, but you would think that having more room for both them and you to spread out would appeal to them. But they stubbornly cling to their smaller mattresses. If you want to get all your beauty rest in, the best suggestion I can give is to sleep on the bed when your human is not there to disturb you. Fortunately, humans sleep a lot fewer hours than us kitties, so this is pretty easy to do. Of course, this means that you will likely be up most of the night, running around and getting in your daily activities — and keeping your human from getting a good night’s rest. But that’s what she gets for not coming up with a more satisfactory solution for you.

* * *
Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” Sparkle had answers to many annoying problems in her two award-winning books! Visit her author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of her awesome Dear Sparkle books!

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  1. says

    Oh yes, I suppose my kitties share the same problem…But they seem to prefer to sleep directly on my chest and however much I might turn around during the night they don’t seem to be bothered…Or at least they don’t show it.

  2. says

    I’m always afraid my human will die in the night, so I have to keep staring at her face from about 3 ins away and poke her eye every now and then. She doesn’t appreciate it at all! Sheesh!!

  3. says

    Our Mom is a tosser and turner too, but our bed is kinda big so we are usually ok with that. But one thing we’ve learned – don’t sleep by her side or she will roll on us.

  4. says

    We’re not allowed to sleep in the bedroom because of the baby. The woman isn’t worried we’ll smother her, but she does have very grabby pinchy hands, so to keep us safe from each other we’re kept separate at night. However, the woman comes an invades our sofa sleeping when the man rumbles at night. Excellent advice you have given, Sparkle.

  5. says

    Great advice Sparkle. Sounds like a great plan for everyone. Some of mine just go and sleep in their own beds when the Person gets too wild. Take care.

  6. says

    We take it in turns to make sure our Mum is still breathing but is she grateful – well you can guess the answer to that – we only run across her to see if she is still alive or if we’ll need to go out and find our own breakfast.
    Luv Hannah and Lucy xx xx

  7. says

    We have found ways to work together to masterfully pin the humans into position. It takes teamwork but we do it. I typically don’t bother, but my momma Ellie, Bennette and Nigel are an amazing team of pin down artists. When Figgy joins in, the humans are powerless to move.

  8. says

    You are so right about the bigger bed! When I lived with my human alone (I mean no other kitty, no other human), I had trained her: she would stay on her side of the bed, and I would have my side. But since the humans live together, there’s no more room for me. Plus Milou is always the one sleeping on the humans!
    I hinted at the male human sleeping on the sofa from time to time but for some reason, it wasn’t received pretty well.

  9. says

    mol mol mol for some reason neither of my humans like it when I sleep in between their legs…something about it feels like an elephant is there and they cannot turn over.
    yada yada yada
    hugs madi your bfff

  10. says

    LOL, sleep when human is not there and do daily activities in the night. That’s a great advice, Sparkle!
    I go to sleep with one of my boys. We share the bed very nicely :-)

  11. says

    I think I must be shrinkable, because I have the right to use one little corner of my bed, the rest is taken over by little Rosie (4kgs) who transforms herself to an elephant sized cat during the night !

  12. Pasha says

    In our household Sima has come up with e pretty good solution: You position your cute little hiny under your human’s nose and let a stinky poof out! That’ll make them running to the couch and leave you the entire bed!

  13. says

    When we went from three to four kitties we bought a king size bed, now of course we have five kitties and there are no bigger beds available – LOL!!! I sleep sandwiched and immobilized by all of my boys at night…they have better sense than to try that on Robert’s side though 😉

  14. says

    We actually did that – we had downsized our bed from king to queen and the kitties decided to sleep elsewhere. We missed them! When we moved we went back to a king size bed and now the kitties are back and we are all happy!

  15. says

    We have a king sized bed and we let our Mommy sleep in it; after reading this, we hope she appreciates our sacrifice…Happy weekend, sweeties…xoxo…Calle, Halle, Sukki, Mommy Cat, Daddy Cat

  16. Jobi and Fisher says

    The cats here sleep most of the day and play most of the night. Scooter wakes us with her opera, and Alice from the Palace likes jumping on the bed. Her game is to see how many times she can land on someone’s stomach and then jet off of it.

  17. says

    I have my mum well trained. I sleep on her chest with my nose touching her chin. She is very careful not to move and disturb me. sometimes I sleep in the middle of the bed and she is very good at clinging on to the edge so she doesn’t fall out.

  18. says

    My human has a queen bed but still insists that we both have half and I can’t go on her side. Of course, this is not fair cos I should get any half (or more) that I want. Pop wants me to sleep with him in his queen bed but he’s been known to kick me or bum-rush me out of bed with his leg and he gets bitten within an ounce of his life for it.

  19. says

    We have our humans trained to not move when we’re either laying on them or under the covers cuddled up against them. It took forever to do it though but it finally worked!

  20. says

    Sparkle I took your tip I sleep on Mum’s clothes during the day, and for added entertainment decided a few headbutts at 3.30 a.m. seemed a good idea. She get irritated but at least I get a warm cuddle heh heh

    Harvey 😀

  21. says

    Sometimes I enjoy sharing the Human’s bed with her, but I squeeze myself right onto a lower corner, as far away from her as possible and then I am usually safe.

    I hope you rid yourself of that furball — it’s just longing to come out I am sure. Perhaps while the Human is sleeping? You have a lot of lovely rugs that would be even better for a little decoration. Just sayin’. Your COMFORT is the most important thing, right?

  22. says

    We kitties rule the humans’ bed in our house. No more than six of us sleep on the bed at a time, but that’s enough to turn the humans into pretzels. Misty May, of course, sleeps on Mom’s pillow so she doesn’t impede her from getting enough rest and vice versa. Of course, when MM decides to sleep on Mom’s face, Mom becomes a bit less obliging. We think your suggestion is purrfect, Sparkle, especially as it would seem this kitty does not have the troops necessary to “take” the bed. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  23. says

    Good advice Sparkle! I have to compete with two humans and four other cats! Thank goodness the turtle hasn’t found a way to get on the bed yet. Meow and Namaste! ~ Pippy the Feline Yogini

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