Advice—February 2010

Dear Sparkle,
I’ve about had it with my human’s confusing behavior! First she lays out books for me to lie down on, carefully setting them open so that there’s that really nice dent down the middle. But then as soon as I’ve made myself comfortable, she grabs me and pulls me off of them! After she did this a few times, I finally got fed up and growled at her. I mean, sheesh, these are my books! Why does she go out of her way to accommodate me — and then inconvenience me?
Signed,
Better Resting Than Reading

Dear Better Resting,
I see there’s miscommunication going on between you and your human. You think she is laying these books out especially for your comfort, but the truth is that she believes that the books are hers, and she has only put them down temporarily. When she wants them again, she sees no problem with removing you from them. Now, you know and I know that she’s completely in the wrong and all books 100% belong to you. However, growling at her when she tries to take one away from you is probably not the best way to express your ownership. Unlike cats, humans have no ability to understand growl nuances. They can’t tell the difference between warning growls, playful growls, and kicking-butt-is-imminent growls. They tend to think all growls mean you have turned into a feral cat who is about to unleash a fearsome display of aggression. While that is a good tool to have in your repertoire, it’s a little extreme for a simple debate over book ownership. Instead, you should probably pull out that good, old standard: the passive-aggressive ploy. Refuse to get up off the book by making yourself as heavy as possible. If she tries to pull you off, cling to the book for dear life. If you manage to rip through a few pages, so much the better. Although ripped pages have no affect on your enjoyment of a book, humans think that the torn pages “ruin” them. If you make it difficult for your human to remove you from the book, and if her doing so risks damaging what she wrongly views as her property, she will eventually just leave you alone and only take the book when you are done with it. I admit, it’s a bit of a process, proving that the books belong to you, but once you’ve made it perfectly clear, you shouldn’t have to worry about your human disturbing you again.