Advice—January 2010

Dear Sparkle,
I hate the holidays! Sure, I get lots of gifts and treats, but there’s a very high price to be paid. My human forces me to wear really stupid outfits and little hats and expects me to pose in them. Now, some cats may think this is okay, but I really hate it! Humans need clothes — they don’t have any fur to keep them warm. But I am a fluffy kitty and that extra padding makes me very uncomfortable (not to mention the fact that these silly holiday outfits make me feel extremely foolish). Is there any way I can get my human to stop dressing me up?
Signed,
Clothing NOT Optional

Dear CNO,
Oh, the dress up thing is a very bad human habit! And every year, more and more humans are doing it to their cats. It seems like every pet store has racks and racks of pet clothing these days. Fortunately, if you prefer to go au naturel, there are ways of discouraging your human from bringing home “cute little outfits” whenever she goes off to buy cat litter. You just have to understand human psychology. See, it’s not enough to just dress us up — even more important, you human wants to take lots of photographs so she can share them with her friends. So if you are a bad model, then your human won’t have any photos to share and she will be less inclined to fork out her money for costumes that nobody ever gets to see. Here are some tips that are guaranteed to ruin your human’s photo session:

• Don’t look at the camera. Giving grouchy looks is pointless. For some sadistic reason, humans love photos of grouchy looking cats in costume. Instead look down at your paws or turn your head away from the camera. The less your human — and her invasive camera lens — can see your eyes, the better.

• Be extra fidgety. If you sit still for even a second, your human will take the opportunity to snap a photo. Instead, work on getting out of the costume — shake your head to get the hat off, wrestle your way out of a shirt. Any photos your human takes will look very awkward and not-cute.

• Escape the photo session completely and go hide under the bed.

• When all else fails, throw up, either on your costume or on a nice outfit that belongs to your human. The only thing that will bum her out worse than not getting a good photo of you in costume is having her own clothing ruined.

With frequent repetition of the above tactics, your human should finally give up and stop trying to dress you. I know from experience — the more I use these tricks, the less I’m stuffed into costumes against my will.