Advice—November 2009

Dear Sparkle,
My human came home with a huge potted plant and she did the unthinkable — she put it right on top of the best sun patch by my favorite window! At first I was appalled — I own that sun patch and no one is allowed to touch it. But then I realized that maybe it wasn’t so bad after all because I could make myself a nice comfy bed in the soil, still get some sun and have the cool green branches as a little bit of shelter too. The only problem is my human got mad! She doesn’t want me there at all. I’ll be dozing, pretending I’m a wild tiger who is resting after a long hunt when — blammo! — she shoots me with the water sprayer. It’s no fair! What can I do to get some peace — and get back my sun patch?
Signed,
Damp and Disgusted

Dear Damp,
I too am disgusted by your human’s appalling behavior. First she invades a space that you clearly own by placing something “decorative” on top of it, then she tries to thwart your perfectly reasonable efforts to find a workaround. She probably doesn’t realize the importance of sun patches. But what do you expect from creatures who do odd things like slather on sunscreen before going outside?

I do have a suggestion, but I must warn you it’s rather extreme. Only attempt it if this sun patch is really important to you, because your human will probably have a fit. That said, it might be the only way for you to reclaim your space: you must destroy the plant. It will take some time to do this job right, so I highly recommend that you do this when your human is not home; otherwise she will intervene. If you just dig the plant out of the pot, it can be replanted, so not only must you dig it up, but also tear it into pieces, knock over the planter and spread the dirt as far as you possibly can. Once you are done, go hide somewhere your human can’t reach. If she can’t find you at all, so much the better. Maybe she will think you made yourself ill by chewing up the plant. This will make her worry about you and get over her anger faster. It will also make her think twice before going out and getting more space-invading greenery.