My human tortures me when I’m sick! Last week, I wasn’t feeling too great, just moping around the house. My human seemed really concerned, and I really appreciated that. But then she turned into some horrible demon—she stuffed me inside the cat carrier, paying no attention to my screams, and dragged me to that horrible place where the woman in the white coat is—my human calls her the “vet.” Well, this vet put her grimy hands all over me and stuck this glass tube in a really embarrassing spot. Then she gave my human a container of this gross tasting liquid, and for the past five days she’s been forcing it down my throat—like I haven’t been feeling badly enough! I am feeling a little better, but now I’m wondering if my human has decided she hates me or what. I mean, why else would she treat me so badly?
Sick and Tortured
Your human doesn’t hate you. In fact she’s behaving in typical human fashion—the more they care about you, the more they do things to annoy and torture you. The barbaric practice of taking us to the vet when we’re ill is just one of the more extreme examples of this. I really don’t understand the whole logic, or illogic, behind this, either. When you’re sick the last thing you want is for some strange-smelling human to be poking his or her hands (and other objects) where they’re not wanted. And the whole medicine thing—that’s what that liquid is that your human is forcing down your throat. Yeah, it’s awful stuff, but the alternative—having a pill forced down you instead—isn’t much better. The only thing I can conclude from this type of behavior is that when we’re sick, humans feel so terribly helpless that they freak out and will do anything in an attempt to make us get well. It’s really a testament to our patience that we tolerate it. In a perfect world, humans would figure out how to nurse us through illnesses without 1) stuffing us in a cat carrier and hauling us to the vet, 2) forcing disgusting liquids and pills on us and especially 3) coming anywhere near us with that wretched glass tube. But, I’m sad to say, this world is anything but perfect (that’s what you get when humans are in charge), and so your only alternative is to let your human know of your displeasure. Every time she finishes forcing that liquid down your throat, run off to the opposite end of the room and glare at her from afar. Don’t let her even touch you for the rest of the day. If she acts hurt, then keep it up—it’s working! When you see her going for the bottle of medicine, hide someplace where she will have a really difficult time extricating you. Speak to her as little as possible—only communicate to express your displeasure at being manhandled, and when you’re hungry. When she finally stops giving you the medicine, give it a few more days before making up with her. She’ll be so relieved she’ll probably treat you extra nicely for quite a while. Enough hints like this and maybe someday humans will figure out that they need to find new ways to treat sick cats. But probably not—they are a really dense bunch.