Unlike you, I think my human is pretty cool. She is my best friend and she gives me lots of toys and treats. I want to show her how much I appreciate her so I love giving her little licks and kisses. But here’s the problem—she rejects my displays of affection! Whenever I lick her, she pushes me away and tries to make me stop. She says my tongue is too rough and my breath smells (like hers doesn’t, especially first thing in the morning). You can imagine how much this hurts my feelings. At first I thought maybe I caught her at the wrong time and she was just in a bad mood, but she complains every time I try to get affectionate with her. Are all humans like this, or do you think there is a problem between us that she isn’t telling me?
This just goes to show that even the most idyllic relationship has its problems. I doubt there’s anything wrong, unless you count the fact that you seem to have hooked up with a human who is something of a cold fish. When it comes to licking, some humans like it and some don’t, just as some cats do it and some don’t. My human, for example, would give anything to have me lick her and I won’t do it. I’m just not into licking humans, only other cats. My roommate Binga, on the other hand, loves to lick humans. She even licks the dog (yeech!). And nobody here ever complains about her. Sorry, but you just picked a picky human. Some of them are like that. Their skin is sensitive to the smallest irritation and the tiniest unpleasant smell sends them searching for an air freshener (although as you noticed, they don’t always apply this fastidiousness to themselves). I bet she also puts deodorizer in your litterbox, wrinkles her nose whenever she gives you canned food and washes her hands or face the second you try to lick them.
I’m afraid there’s not much you can do to change your human. There are some things you can train them to do—feed you at certain times, change your litter box frequently and give you cat trees, for example—but some qualities are just hardwired into their personalities. Hypersensitivity is one of them. You’ll just have to appreciate all the other, good things she does for you without being so physical about it. I purr and give headbutts myself; maybe you should try that. Although I do have to say that if I were stuck with a finicky human like yours I would be inclined to give her a swift bite on the nose instead.