I really love my humans and I want to see them take better care of themselves, especially when it comes to diet. They’re always pulling frozen dinners out and microwaving them. They do this almost every day! It’s really unhealthy. They should be eating fresh, wholesome food instead and I’ve been trying to help. I go out and find them a fat, tasty mouse or a succulent bluebird, but they won’t eat what I bring them. Instead they get mad. They won’t even let me bring my catch into the house. What’s wrong with them, and how can I get them to eat better?
I completely understand. I mean, humans eat weird things like pizza and spaghetti and then they get grossed out when we have a fluffy moth hors d’oeuvre—there’s definitely something wrong with this picture! The human diet is really something horrifying.
That said, I’m afraid you probably won’t be able to get your humans to partake of your fresh catch. About the only thing they’ll eat raw is sushi, which is actually nutritious and pretty yummy (except for the rice part—they really should skip the rice and just go for sashimi if you ask me). Sometimes they’ll eat raw plants—they usually mix it up into a salad. Humans like to blend together different types of food. I know it’s weird, but that’s just what they do and we cats have to accept that. And to be honest, humans have different nutritional needs that us cats do. For example, a bird or a rat is a balanced meal for us—we get muscle meat, organ meat, calcium (bones), fat, and greens (whatever the creature had been eating before we pounced on it). Humans actually need more carbohydrate than this. Smart humans will eat lots of plants and some grains for their carbs. The not-so smart humans skip the greens and load up on bread and cake and pastries—that’s too many carbs, even for them. Actually, some people have adopted the cat way of eating—lots of meat and not many carbs—and they call it the “Atkins diet.” But unfortunately, even those people won’t eat the mice and birds you bring home.
Since your humans get so upset when you bring your catch home, you probably shouldn’t even bother. They don’t appreciate it, so just eat it yourself. It’s not that they’re ingrates—they honestly don’t understand. As for making them eat better—well, humans are pretty stubborn, but there are a few tricks you can try. Whenever you see that your humans are about to eat something really bad, like a piece of pie or a cheese Danish, leap up on the table and bat it onto the floor. Keep in mind that the first few times you do this, they will probably get mad and yell at you. But if you are consistent in what you knock over, they may eventually get the idea that you know what food is bad for them. If you never do it with the chicken breast, but you always do it with the chocolate cake, they’re bound to put two and two together. If they won’t listen to you and, in fact, start locking you away whenever they sit down to eat, I guess you’ll just have to accept them and their curious eating habits. But don’t let that stop you from giving them a dirty look whenever they have cookie breath.