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Dear Sparkle,
I have long, beautiful fur and I groom it constantly. For some reason, my human doesn't think I'm doing a good enough job, so she keeps grabbing me and brushing me. Granted, I do occasionally miss a few places and sometimes I get knots, but it hurts when she starts yanking on them. In fact, I hate the whole brushing process. It really gets on my nerves. Should I just whap her a few times whenever she comes near me with that brush? Or is there another way to get her to put that thing away and leave me alone?
Signed,
Unbrushable Me

Dear Unbrushable,
Although you really hate being brushed, there are quite a few cats out there who do like it. Personally I can take it or leave it depending on my mood, but more often than not it feels good to me. I think that maybe your human doesn't really know how to brush you, and that is what's causing you so much grief. Is she using one of those "slicker" brushes? That's generally not the right kind of brush for a longhaired cat like you. Shorthaired cats usually love the slicker because they can feel the little tines skritching and massaging their skin. But slickers will just glide over long fur and frankly are not very effective. It feels like the human is doing nothing, and really, she is. But before you start taking random swipes at your human every time she shows up with that dreaded brush, see if you can get her to take a look over here to find out what the right type of brushing tools are for you. Seriously, if you're getting knots and dreads, you really aren't doing a very good job and could use some help. Your human can be of use in this area if she receives the proper training.

First, she needs to drop the current brush she's using and get a bristle brush for cats. Plus she'll need some metal combs - one with wide teeth, one with medium teeth, and one with fine teeth (the latter one is for fleas if, God forbid, you ever get them). Combs pick up more loose fur and go through long hair better. If you're really fluffy, like Boodie is, you'll do well with a shedding blade or a rake type comb too - it'll get at the loose undercoat fur, and there's probably a lot more of that than you could possibly imagine. I mean, if you were to actually groom all that off yourself, you'd be coughing up serious hairballs. So let your human do it (groom your fur, not cough up hairballs). As for the knots, she needs to be careful - if she pulls on them, then she does deserve to be whapped. Matted fur needs to be worked over carefully with a comb and cut away cautiously with blunt-edged scissors. It's not something that any lamebrain human can do - maybe someone who has better grooming skills can show yours how to do it. If you're treated with the care and skill you deserve there's no reason for you to hate being groomed by your human. You may even learn to like it!