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Dear Sparkle
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When cats have problems, who can better help them but another cat? I know there are other cat advice columns on the web, but frankly, they sound like some human was writing them! This is real cat-to-cat advice. Are you a cat in trouble? You don't want to get a lecture from some human. I'll tell you what's up. If you're a cat with a problem, write me at sparkle@sparklecat.com. I can't answer every email, but I'll try to pick a good one every month. Oh yeah, and no humans with cat problems - you guys should be grateful we tolerate you. |
Dear Sparkle,
I have been kidnapped and I am being held prisoner! It happened a couple of weeks ago. I was living
in this big house with a bunch of other cats and my four brothers and sisters. We grew up there. It was
so much fun - we would play together all day long, and a couple of humans would spend a lot of time
playing with us too. Then when we were around three months old, things began to change. People started
coming over and playing with me and my siblings. We all thought it was fun to have extra humans who
wanted nothing more than to play with us and pet us. But bad things started happening. One human came
back a few times and then she took one of my sisters away! You would think our humans here would have
been upset about that, but they seemed happy that she was gone. Then this couple, who had been playing
with me came back and next thing I knew, I was stuffed in a carrier and taken away in a car. I screamed
the whole time I was in the car, but they didn't take me back. Instead they took me to this house that
was smaller than the one I grew up in, and there were no other cats there (I was kind of hoping that
maybe my sister was there, but she wasn't). Now I am stuck here and they won't let me go out and even
if I could escape, I'm not sure I could find my way back home. I'm scared and lonely. Can you help me
get out of here?
Signed,
Catnapped
I've got bad, bad news for you and I might as well tell you upfront. You are probably never going back home and it is unlikely you will ever see your siblings again. The house you grew up in belonged to breeders, and they fully intended to sell you to other humans all along. That is why they were so happy when your sister went away - she was sold! The only times you will get to leave the house where you are imprisoned will be when you have to visit the veterinarian, which is even worse than being stuck in a strange house. Being sold like this and torn away from your family is a traumatic experience. I should know. It happened to me too! I did not forgive my human for a long, long time for playing such a nasty trick on me. My roommate Binga thinks I am a wimp - she was on death row in a hardcore kitty prison before she came here. (Judging from her behavior, however, I wonder if perhaps she didn't deserve to be behind bars.)
So the bottom line is you are stuck where you are and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, you could try to escape, but it won't do you any good. You'll either wind up in kitty prison, like my roommate, or returned to your unhappy new home. About the only thing you can do is plot ways to torture the humans who took you. Being a cat, that should be pretty easy for you to figure out. Since they probably spent quite a bit of their "hard-earned money" on you (that's a phrase I have heard more than once), they will expect you to be affectionate and cater to their whims. Don't do it! Make them beg for every ounce of attention you choose to give them. In fact, don't even acknowledge their presence unless they're holding treats or a toy. If you play it well enough, maybe they will take some more of that hard-earned money and buy you a deluxe cat tree or two in attempt to win your affection. My theory is that those humans who can afford to buy us cats as if we were common slaves can afford to buy us luxury cat items too. If you are really lucky, maybe they will sense your loneliness and buy you a friend, or spring one from kitty prison. One can only hope.
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