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Dear Sparkle
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When cats have problems, who can better help them but another cat? I know there are other cat advice columns on the web, but frankly, they sound like some human was writing them! This is real cat-to-cat advice. Are you a cat in trouble? You don't want to get a lecture from some human. I'll tell you what's up. If you're a cat with a problem, write me at sparkle@sparklecat.com. I can't answer every email, but I'll try to pick a good one every month. Oh yeah, and no humans with cat problems - you guys should be grateful we tolerate you. |
Dear Sparkle,
Our humans just got us the best cat toy ever but they won't let us play with it! It's a big, green
tree that they put up in the living room. They hung all sorts of shiny, sparkly things on this tree and
strung long, glittery strands all around it. It's such a beautiful sight, especially at night when they
light it up. We were so flattered that they went to all this trouble just for us and we couldn't wait
to start climbing all over it and playing with the shiny things. But when we did, our humans started
freaking out and screaming at us! We were appalled by their shocking behavior. In fact, our feelings
were quite hurt. Seriously, did we do something wrong? We really don't understand what happened.
Signed,
Konfused Kitties
I know it seems like your humans have suddenly gone mad but there is a reason for their bizarre behavior. In fact, quite a few cats have humans who exhibit this strange phenomenon every year during December. It has something to do with one of their holidays called Christmas. Yeah, I know the concept of holidays is a weird one, but for some reason humans have to schedule time to relax and have fun. And that schedule thing of theirs... oh, never mind. I'll take up all the space here if I get started on humans and their curious habits. Anyway, the bottom line is that the toy they brought home is called a Christmas tree and, believe it or not, it's not a toy for you - it's a toy for them!
Let me see if I can explain this particular human behavior in some logical manner... humans think that putting up the tree and hanging those things is a fun event. It's a ritual for a lot of them. You're probably thinking to yourself, "Wait! They have it all wrong - the fun part is knocking off the shiny things and chasing them across the floor!" Of course that's true, so there's really no explanation for why humans do what they do with the Christmas tree ritual. And even weirder, once the shiny things are hung, they don't want them moved for weeks! I know, I know, the thought of having a tree full of shiny things and never touching them is downright ghastly. Sometimes I really do wonder why we bother associating with humans. They must put some kind of drug in the kibble or something.
But the Christmas tree ritual gets worse. When they do finally take off the shiny things, they do it carefully and put them neatly away in a box and don't touch them for the rest of the year. Please understand, this is as painful for me to write as it is for you to read. Then, instead of leaving the tree for us cats to climb all over, they get rid of it. After they take all the shiny things off they call the tree a "fire hazard." Apparently fire hazards are not meant to be fun climbing toys. I don't get it, either.
But don't let the whole human Christmas tree ritual get you down too much. Those shiny things don't make the best toys anyhow. If you give 'em a good bat across the room, they break into a bunch of sharp pieces and if you step on them you might cut yourself. And I hope your humans are smart enough not to hang those stringy, shiny icicle things on the tree - they're really dangerous for us cats. If we eat them it might kill us - at the very least it'll be a very traumatic trip to the emergency vet clinic. Maybe someday humans will wise up and create a cat-friendly Christmas tree - one that we can climb on all we want and that has shiny things that don't break when rolled across the floor. Until that unlikely day, if you really, really can't resist messing with the human's tree, I recommend you do it in the middle of the night when they're sleeping. If you break anything, pretend you had nothing to do with it. You know the routine.
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