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Dear Sparkle
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When cats have problems, who can better help them but another cat? I know there are other cat advice columns on the web, but frankly, they sound like some human was writing them! This is real cat-to-cat advice. Are you a cat in trouble? You don't want to get a lecture from some human. I'll tell you what's up. If you're a cat with a problem, write me at sparkle@sparklecat.com. I can't answer every email, but I'll try to pick a good one every month. Oh yeah, and no humans with cat problems - you guys should be grateful we tolerate you. |
Dear Sparkle,
Like many humans, mine have a hard time understanding cat language, but even taking that into
consideration, you won't believe what I've just been through! Let me start at the beginning - when my
humans go to sleep at night, they shut the bedroom door. As you might imagine, I find this quite
unsatisfactory. Eleven o'clock at night is prime playtime! Why would anyone want to go to bed at that
hour anyhow? So I do what any normal cat would do - I meow really loudly and scratch at the door.
They tried to ignore me for a few days so I just caused more of a racket, figuring that they would
eventually come out and toss some toys around. But do you know what they did instead? They gave me
food! Well, I didn't really want the food but I ate some of it anyway. I mean it was there, right?
After a couple of bites I got bored so I started scratching on the door and meowing again. Well, this
went on for a few more nights and then the humans did something really terrible - they took me to the
vet! Apparently they thought that maybe I was sick, but of course I checked out just fine. Then the
vet also told them I weighed enough as it was and not to leave me any food at night. Clearly, these
people are totally clueless. I want some playtime! Is there any way at all to get my point across?
Signed,
Going Nuts
I feel your pain. Isn't it terrible how the most well-intentioned humans can be so dense? And I can tell yours really do want to do what's right for you. Even though going to the vet was probably a nasty experience, it shows that your humans were concerned about you and wanted to make sure that your behavior wasn't caused by a medical condition. Unfortunately it didn't solve your problem because it has nothing to do with you at all - it's all about your humans' lack of understanding.
Because humans function at such a low level of comprehension, you need to really be obvious with them. I mean, it's clear to you and me what you want by carrying on the way you do at 11 p.m., but they'll never get it. Not in a million years (human or cat years). So instead of just scratching and meowing you have to actually show them what you want. Do you have a lot of toys sitting around the house? Gather them up and set them by the bedroom door before you start making noise. That way, when they open the door, the toys will be right there in their faces. Once I actually got my human's attention by taking a toy and flinging it against the shut door several times. That was a bathroom door, however, not a bedroom door, and it took her a little longer to respond - I don't think she heard me too well with the shower running. You may want to try the same thing, or at least toss one or two of the toys in the air the moment the humans open the door. I know it sounds like a lot of effort when you're asking for something so simple, but what can I say? Humans are usually decent caretakers, but they can be kind of, well, dumb. If your humans were really smart they would play with you for a little while before going to bed. Then maybe you wouldn't need to bother them after they've turned in. Too bad you can't tell them that.
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