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Dear Sparkle,
I used to be a common alley cat, but when my humans adopted me from the shelter, they decided I should stay indoors. It's okay, I've adjusted. I mean, 3 squares a day is certainly better than chasing after scrawny little mice that are barely a mouthful. Plus I've got a cat tree that is (and I hate to brag) even better than yours! But here's the problem: I spend a good portion of the day sitting by the window and checking out things on the outside - you know, just to make sure no one's messing with my yard. And you know what... someone is messing with my yard! It's a big yellow Tom, and he won't go away! He stares at me intently and then goes over and sprays on the bushes. The jerk knows I can't do a thing about it, and I'm infuriated! I howl at him through the window and a couple of times I totally lost control and started throwing myself against the windowpane. Like I said, I'm happy indoors, but this Tom has gotta go. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Furious Beyond Meows

Dear Furious,
I really can't blame you for being furious. It must be frustrating, watching that Tom mess with your turf. For all its great benefits - the regular meals, cat trees, etc. - living indoors does have a few drawbacks, and this is one of them. It's especially hard on guys like you who are used to being out of doors and dealing with unruly visitors in claw-to-claw combat. Unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do to send this Tom packing. At least, not on your own. To get rid of him you'll have to enlist the help of lesser beings - in other words, your humans.

Since your humans can go outside and you can't, it is up to them to get rid of that Tom. I can't believe they haven't done something about it already - most of the humans I know detest the acrid smell of male cat spray. And they must see how unhappy you are. You are making your displeasure known while they are around, aren't you? If not, you are wasting your energy. Remember, when you want results, act out in the presence of an audience. Granted, it doesn't always get you the outcome you want, but in this case, I think that carrying on about the Tom in their presence will help your cause.

There are a number of effective ways to make Toms leave your turf alone. Hopefully your humans aren't too dense, because there are also some ways that aren't particularly effective. The many cat repellants on the market - the ones that supposedly smell bad to cats - generally don't work all that well. If they want to try the scent route, they could save a lot of money by just using natural remedies, such as sprinkling cayenne pepper around the house, or vinegar, or ground-up orange peels. But like I said, at best these items will just keep the Tom away temporarily. Eventually he'll be back, eager to taunt you once again. Those repellents need constant reapplication, especially in wet weather. Another thing your humans could consider would be to replace their lawn and landscaping with a rock garden - those sharp stones play havoc with tender kitty feet. But as much as they swear their devotion to you, I doubt they'll go that far to get rid of this unwelcome visitor. There is a certain kind of coleus that cats (and dogs) dislike - maybe they could at least add a few of these plants to the yard.

The most effective way to get rid of that Tom, however - and I think you'll like this solution quite a bit - is a device called the Water De-Fence that blasts unwelcome animal visitors with water. Your humans set it up in the yard and the motion sensor detects when the Tom is paying a visit. Once he is spotted, he gets a surprise drenching, which I guarantee will send him running! I doubt he'll get caught more than a couple of times before he'll be gone for good. And since you enjoy looking out the window, you'll get a front row view of his humiliation. Once this thing is installed, no stray cat will dare invade your turf.